Relationships

I used to think that trust in a relationships meant telling the truth about where you were, what you did, and who you were with. But now I realize that’s just foundational, and the bare minimum you should expect from your partner. Strong relationships are based on trust of a different kind. Trusting that when you’re being foolish, your partner is going to tell you that you’re being foolish, and when you’re trying to be courageous, that your partner will encourage your courageousness. And trust that they’re going to know the difference, and be honest about it when the time comes.

My buddy is thinking about leaving the corporate world. After 15 successful years of building a nest egg, and moving up the corporate ladder, he’s beginning to wonder, “Isn there more to life than this?” and so he’s starting to explore the idea of leaving, and taking a year or two off. We had him over for dinner recently when he told us. He laid it all out, and we helped him weigh the pros and the cons. We asked questions about his biggest fears around leaving, what he might want to do instead. We threw out ideas for resigning, discussed timelines, and gave suggestions based on our own experiences and what we know about him.

Finally after about an hour of discussing it I asked, “What does your wife think you should do?”

I know his wife very well, and I’m very fond of her. She’s a smart, funny, successful, no nonsense woman who deeply loves my friend. And so it dawned on me, who cares what I think, if she believes he should leave, then he should leave. If she believes he shouldn’t, he shouldn’t. Because, lucky for my friend, he’s found the woman that he can trust to tell him when he’s being foolish and encourage him when he’s being courageous.

“She’s all about it,” he replied. “She thinks I should quit, and take time off.” When he said that I told him we had our answer and that he should stop searching. And it was the first time the importance of a partner you could trust was that crystal clear to me.

The Behavior of Change

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As in a love relationship, we learn that what we thought we knew is not equal to what we are discovering. As in an intimate relationship, we learn that who we thought we were is not who we are now in the midst of all the disappearing boundaries. Almost always in relationship, what we think have to give, is not actually what is needed. What we thought was love, might not have been love at all. And what we thought we had to give up, is not after all what is being asked for - David Whyte

Sleep

It wasn’t long ago that I discovered that sleeping is a skill. For most of my life I considered myself someone who couldn’t take naps or sleep past a certain time in the morning. I was up when the sun came up, or the first time my eyes opened. When I went to take a nap, I would get up just minutes later. Sleeping extra was just not something that I was born with.

Until one day I realized that it was all a lie. That the reason I couldn’t nap or fall back asleep like so many other people I knew, was because I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to fall asleep during the day. I was busy, I had things to do. The same was true of the mornings. Once my eyes opened and I glimpsed the morning sun my mind would immediately start working and it seemed more important to get up and act than to stay in bed.

I realized this and so one day I did a little experiment. I went to take a nap, but this time I meant it. Instead of going into it with the mindset that I wouldn’t be able to fall asleep, I went in with the mindset that I really wanted to get some rest, even if it was for only a few minutes. I convinced myself that if I could rest for 20 - 30 minutes, that contrary to my prior belief that it would be a waste of time, that I would actually be more productive throughout the rest of the day. And it worked. And so for many days after, instead of fighting it and saying I can’t, I embraced taking a mid-day snooze.

More recently I’ve tried this same idea in the mornings. But for a different reason. I realized that on days when I actually slept past that initial wake up, that my days went smoother. I was less agitated. My brain wasn’t as foggy. Even my bowel movements were better. So I told myself that I could sleep in, and that I didn’t have to rise with the sun. That I could be someone who sleeps past 6 am. And so far it’s worked.

We have so many preconceived notions about ourselves. About things we are capable of and things we aren’t that are based on a lifetime of experiences. Since we’ve been doing something a certain way for most of our lives we’re convinced that it can’t be changed. That it’s innate within us. We were born this way.

But once you realize that that’s not true, a whole new world begins to open up. A whole new world where changing your behavior is possible. Where statements such as “I can’t, I’m not that type of person” begin to wash away and seem silly. We are capable of a lot more than we give ourselves credit for.

Your boots not in. 

We were out skiing and my fiancé was having trouble getting her boot into her ski. it was her third day ever skiing, and she was wearing new boots. From where I was standing I could see that her heel wasn’t lined up, and so when she pressed her foot down, her boot hadn’t clicked in. So, trying to be helpful I said “your boots not in.” She tried again. But the same thing happened. So I said, “your boots not in.” This happened one more time and she finally turned and, clearly frustrated, snapped back, “I know its not and you’re just standing there tell me its not. Do you think that’s helpful?”

I tried to explain that I thought it was, and that I didn’t think she could tell whether she was fully in or not. But, consumed with frustration, she didn’t see it that way. She just thought I was being a dick.And I can see how. But at the same time something else dawned on me.

It dawned on me how these small moments in a relationship could lead to bigger issues down the road, and leads to cracks in communication.

If one party thinks they are being helpful, but the other party doesn’t receive it that way, and is constantly pushing back, then it’s going to make their partner reluctant to give feedback. They’re going to hesitate to offer advice or even be truthful becasue they are expecting an unfavorable response.

They think they are coming from a place of being genuine, but they just end up getting their hand slapped. And the more and more it happens, the more and more they are going to default to being silent, and biting their tongue. Which is a crucial mstake in any relationship.

I realizd this as it was happening. And I realized its all these moments, if left unchecked, add up over years to lead to the demise of a relationship over time. But I also became aware of two other things.

One, no matter what, you can never be afraid to open your mouth in a relationship jut becasue of past experiences. Two, most importantly, that you also cant keep doing or saying the same thing and expecting a different response. I.e. “Your boots not in.”

You have to think o adifferent approach when the first one isn’t working. You have to think about a different way to get your point across, so that it is receifeved int the way in which you intended it. Maybe I should have skiied over and physically helped her place her boot firmly in. Maybe I should have showed her with my own skis. Or maybe I should have said nothing and just waited.

But its hard to see that in the moment, and correct yourself while its hapneing. But I think just being aware of it, even after the fact, will help the next time you find youself in that situation. And the more and more youre aware of it, the easier it will be to identify.

A disagreement or frustration over ski boots is not the end of the world. But I believe that getting it right in the small inconsequential moments in life is the key to having succcess in the moments that really matter.

Why are we paying for anything?

A few months ago I returned a rug to Home Depot. After a couple of weeks of having it in our bedroom we decided that we didn’t like the look or feel, so we returned it. Home Depot issued us a refund, and told me they were going to destroy it. The rug was new, but they decided it was easier to destroy it then put it back on the floor. The rug cost $250.

For Christmas my sister-in-law ordered my fiancé and I a karaoke machine. But after ordering it she realized it was the wrong one, so she logged back onto Amazon, cancelled the order, and ordered the correct one. They refunded her for the cancelled order, but sent both anyway and told her to keep them.

In Colorado and California I’ve volunteered with local food banks and food recovery organizations. Between them they recover millions of pounds of food each year, that would’ve otherwise ended up in the landfills. They distribute the food they recover to people suffering from food insecurity who are unable to buy enough groceries. The food being recovered is good quality food. Organic produce. Wild caught fish. Organic dry goods. Milk and eggs. Pork and beef.

Fifty percent or more of food in this country ends up in landfills. The waste starts on the farms, continues in restaurants and retail shops like grocery stores, and occurs the most in homes. 

So my question is, if all of these producers, manufacturers, and distributors are ok with just throwing away product, why not get organized and give it away? I know there’s a family who would love a $250 rug for their house. Or a karaoke machine for their kids. And most certainly everyone would love access to free nutritious food!

Or how about we get better at managing what ends up in our landfills so that we can lower prices by selling more product? I don’t know what the answer is, but I do know that more and more I wonder why I’m paying for anything.

In a society full of abundance waste is inevitable.

The Behavior of Change

Sunday Scaries. Thoughts and download from the week.

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Grasshoppers

I learned that grasshoppers have a gear like mechanism in their legs that enables them to jump. Facts like these remind me why it’s important to question everything. In all my years of life, I never considered that the use of gears was not unique to humans. For 37 years I’ve been walking around misinformed. What other information am I taking at face value in my life? Where else am I holding onto a belief based on wrong information or information I have yet to learn? These are the types of questions I like to ask myself, and every time I learn something new, like this, it reminds me that there is still so much I don’t know, and everything should be questioned.

Enjoy your health

I was listening to a podcast recently with two nutritionists discussing diet, exercise, and health. I’m a big fan of the guest, the reason I tuned in, but the host I’d never heard of. I’ll call her Mary.

Mary said a lot of things that I didn’t agree with. I didn’t like her choice of words, or the message she was conveying. Fortunately she was sharing the stage with someone who knew what they were talking about so she was able to correct her.

But the thing that really bothered me was her insinuation that eating “healthy,” akakthe real way to eat, was boring. My god, if this lady is your nutritionist, then I feel really bad for you.

The way she said it, insinuated that things like fast food, take out, or frozen meals, were exciting. There is nothing exciting about any of those. Particularly when they make up the majority of your diet. They are poison, and are only appealing because they are cheap, accessible, and convenient.

A rancher at a conference a few weeks ago said, “our addiction to convenience is killing us.” He’s right.

If this lady knew anything about food, nutrition, or cooking, then she would know that there is nothing more exciting then stepping into your kitchen, opening the refrigerator, looking in the pantry, peaking around in the spice cabinet, and figuring out what ingredients you have and what you can make from them. Deciding what to eat based on how you’re feeling that day, or what your activity level was, and then catering a meal to those needs.

That’s fun, and exciting.

If you don’t have time to cook, let’s work on finding the time. If you can’t afford to grocery shop and cook healthy foods, let’s figure out ways to make cooking affordable and accessible. 

But please, for the love of god, don’t fucking tell me that eating healthy is boring. Yes, I crave foods from time to time that are outside of my repertoire of cooking skills and ingredient list, but those instance are few and far between. I prepare very close to every meal I eat during the week, and I enjoy the hell out of 99 percent of them.

After you’ve eaten this way for long enough, you learn what you like, what you don’t, what tastes good, and what doesn’t, and you learn how to make what you want and need. I’ve gotten to the point where eating out has become the disappointing thing to do. I typically leave a meal out thinking, “I should’ve just eaten at home.” 

Eating healthy is only boring when you don’t know what you’re doing. And clearly Mary doesn’t have a clue.

Lawn

I never mow the lawn in the same pattern. I mowed the lawn today, differently from two weeks ago, which was different from the two weeks before that. 

Today I split the front lawn down the middle length wise, and then attacked each half individually. Usually I start on the perimeter, ride the edge, and then form a pattern from there. Sometimes going in a circle. Sometimes focusing on each quadrant individually. Other times just completely making it up as I go, probably looking like a mad man, or someone who has never mowed the lawn before (both could be true).

In the back I started with what I’d describe as a candy cane shape. I took the long far side first, which is in the shape of a candy cane, and followed that to the end. I kept that pattern going back and forth. It was fun to be mowing in that shape, and it actually turned out to be pretty efficient. It was probably the fastest I’ve got done mowing since we moved in.

But the thing is, when I look at my neighbors lawns, all I see is straight rows. They look like they’re so methodical about it. They have a set pattern. They know the most efficient way, and they know what they want their lawn to look like, and so they’ve adopted the same pattern over and over.

When their lawn is mowed, it looks orderly and clean. The way my rug looks after I’ve vacuumed it. Whereas mine kind of looks like my hair after I’ve just given myself a haircut.

But, the more fascinating thing I’ve realized lately, is that I’ve been using the weed whacker incorrectly for the last 3.5 months. Since June I’ve struggled trying to figure out the best angle, and height, to keep the thread at so that it edges properly. But I couldn’t figure it out. Last time I edged the lawn I switched hand positions [read: non-dominant dominant]. I put the handle of the edger in my right hand, and used my left as the guide. Switching hands turned me in the opposite direction. Come to find out, that’s the direction the edger is supposed to face. Nothing wrong with my technique, per se, just holding the tool backwards. Even edger’s are apparently made for righties.

Where else in my life am I struggling because I’m holding the tool backwards?

My role

Recently I’ve been thinking about the role I play in a given situation. In particular unsuccessful ones. The easiest example is like when an unintended emotional trigger gets pulled in either my girlfriend or I, and we delve into an argument. In those situations, even if she’s wrong [;)], once things have cooled off I like to ask myself “What role did I play in the descent into chaos? How could a different action, word, facial expression, or body position, have changed the outcome of that conversation?” And then I try to remember that for the next time.

Which means, in order to be effective, I also have to figure out the signs that things are about to get hairy. Is there a certain feeling I can identify that gets triggered before an argument happens? Is there certain body language or words that she starts to use that I could look out for that’ll signal what’s to come, and trigger me to change my approach? What are those signs, and can I remember to change my actions and reactions in time to save the conversation, and ultimately our day.

What role can I play to improve outcomes, even if it means sacrificing how I “feel?”

Something to listen to

Elizabeth Gilbert — How to Set Strong Boundaries, Overcome Purpose Anxiety, and Find Your Deep Inner Voice (#770) - If you’re a male listening to this, and it feels to feminishy, just give it a chance. Actually, if you feel that way, it’s probably a sign you should keep listening. For awhile I’ve believed that to be your best self you need to be your unapologetically real self, and that’s what she talks about. At least that’s my interpretation. And while I haven’t achieved that yet, it’s a great conversation that gives you permission to pursue it.

The Joe Rogan Experience - #2207 Shawn Ryan - I just enjoyed this conversation because Shawn Ryan really seems like a down to earth guy whos curious about life and what’s going on. There is no agenda. Much like Rogan. Their conversation spans across multiple topics and I thought Shawn brought a really good perspective to just about everything discussed.

Runs and Hikes

Eldorado Canyon State Park - Continental Divide Overlook via Fowler to Rattlesnake Gulch Loop - This was harder than I anticipated when I set out for my run. I don’t know if it was just the heat, or what, but it wrecked me. It’s a steady gain all the way to the top, which makes for a pleasant descent. I liked how accessible the trail is, and the views are beautiful. I ran it during the week and there was very little traffic on the trail. Parking was also a breeze.

Rocky Mountain National Park - Sky Pond, The Loch, and Timberline Falls, via Glacier Gorge Loop - This was my first trip back to Rocky Mountain NP in over 5 years, and a lot has changed. In 2019 I hiked to Sky Pond. I was able to easily park at the Bear Lake Trail. On this trip we needed a time entry permit, and when we got to the Bear Lake Trail lot we were turned around by park rangers because the lot was full. We parked about a mile from the trail head, turning our 10 mile hike into 12 miles. Sky Pond is beautiful, but the park and route felt like an amusement park, with scores of people everywhere. If you’re looking for a more wild experience, I’d recommend heading somewhere else.

Golden Gate Canyon State Park - Panorama Point via Mule Deer and Raccoon Trail - Golden Gate Canyon has become one of my favorite places to hike and run. It’s accessible, beautiful, and not overly crowded. Most trails also have a lot of coverage from the sun, like this one. Views are beautiful and the trails are well maintained. I highly recommend this park.

Things that stuck with me

“We always talk about learning disabilities, but we never talk about teaching disabilities”