The Behavior of Change
As in a love relationship, we learn that what we thought we knew is not equal to what we are discovering. As in an intimate relationship, we learn that who we thought we were is not who we are now in the midst of all the disappearing boundaries. Almost always in relationship, what we think have to give, is not actually what is needed. What we thought was love, might not have been love at all. And what we thought we had to give up, is not after all what is being asked for - David Whyte
Sleep
It wasn’t long ago that I discovered that sleeping is a skill. For most of my life I considered myself someone who couldn’t take naps or sleep past a certain time in the morning. I was up when the sun came up, or the first time my eyes opened. When I went to take a nap, I would get up just minutes later. Sleeping extra was just not something that I was born with.
Until one day I realized that it was all a lie. That the reason I couldn’t nap or fall back asleep like so many other people I knew, was because I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to fall asleep during the day. I was busy, I had things to do. The same was true of the mornings. Once my eyes opened and I glimpsed the morning sun my mind would immediately start working and it seemed more important to get up and act than to stay in bed.
I realized this and so one day I did a little experiment. I went to take a nap, but this time I meant it. Instead of going into it with the mindset that I wouldn’t be able to fall asleep, I went in with the mindset that I really wanted to get some rest, even if it was for only a few minutes. I convinced myself that if I could rest for 20 - 30 minutes, that contrary to my prior belief that it would be a waste of time, that I would actually be more productive throughout the rest of the day. And it worked. And so for many days after, instead of fighting it and saying I can’t, I embraced taking a mid-day snooze.
More recently I’ve tried this same idea in the mornings. But for a different reason. I realized that on days when I actually slept past that initial wake up, that my days went smoother. I was less agitated. My brain wasn’t as foggy. Even my bowel movements were better. So I told myself that I could sleep in, and that I didn’t have to rise with the sun. That I could be someone who sleeps past 6 am. And so far it’s worked.
We have so many preconceived notions about ourselves. About things we are capable of and things we aren’t that are based on a lifetime of experiences. Since we’ve been doing something a certain way for most of our lives we’re convinced that it can’t be changed. That it’s innate within us. We were born this way.
But once you realize that that’s not true, a whole new world begins to open up. A whole new world where changing your behavior is possible. Where statements such as “I can’t, I’m not that type of person” begin to wash away and seem silly. We are capable of a lot more than we give ourselves credit for.
Your boots not in.
We were out skiing and my fiancé was having trouble getting her boot into her ski. it was her third day ever skiing, and she was wearing new boots. From where I was standing I could see that her heel wasn’t lined up, and so when she pressed her foot down, her boot hadn’t clicked in. So, trying to be helpful I said “your boots not in.” She tried again. But the same thing happened. So I said, “your boots not in.” This happened one more time and she finally turned and, clearly frustrated, snapped back, “I know its not and you’re just standing there tell me its not. Do you think that’s helpful?”
I tried to explain that I thought it was, and that I didn’t think she could tell whether she was fully in or not. But, consumed with frustration, she didn’t see it that way. She just thought I was being a dick.And I can see how. But at the same time something else dawned on me.
It dawned on me how these small moments in a relationship could lead to bigger issues down the road, and leads to cracks in communication.
If one party thinks they are being helpful, but the other party doesn’t receive it that way, and is constantly pushing back, then it’s going to make their partner reluctant to give feedback. They’re going to hesitate to offer advice or even be truthful becasue they are expecting an unfavorable response.
They think they are coming from a place of being genuine, but they just end up getting their hand slapped. And the more and more it happens, the more and more they are going to default to being silent, and biting their tongue. Which is a crucial mstake in any relationship.
I realizd this as it was happening. And I realized its all these moments, if left unchecked, add up over years to lead to the demise of a relationship over time. But I also became aware of two other things.
One, no matter what, you can never be afraid to open your mouth in a relationship jut becasue of past experiences. Two, most importantly, that you also cant keep doing or saying the same thing and expecting a different response. I.e. “Your boots not in.”
You have to think o adifferent approach when the first one isn’t working. You have to think about a different way to get your point across, so that it is receifeved int the way in which you intended it. Maybe I should have skiied over and physically helped her place her boot firmly in. Maybe I should have showed her with my own skis. Or maybe I should have said nothing and just waited.
But its hard to see that in the moment, and correct yourself while its hapneing. But I think just being aware of it, even after the fact, will help the next time you find youself in that situation. And the more and more youre aware of it, the easier it will be to identify.
A disagreement or frustration over ski boots is not the end of the world. But I believe that getting it right in the small inconsequential moments in life is the key to having succcess in the moments that really matter.
Why are we paying for anything?
A few months ago I returned a rug to Home Depot. After a couple of weeks of having it in our bedroom we decided that we didn’t like the look or feel, so we returned it. Home Depot issued us a refund, and told me they were going to destroy it. The rug was new, but they decided it was easier to destroy it then put it back on the floor. The rug cost $250.
For Christmas my sister-in-law ordered my fiancé and I a karaoke machine. But after ordering it she realized it was the wrong one, so she logged back onto Amazon, cancelled the order, and ordered the correct one. They refunded her for the cancelled order, but sent both anyway and told her to keep them.
In Colorado and California I’ve volunteered with local food banks and food recovery organizations. Between them they recover millions of pounds of food each year, that would’ve otherwise ended up in the landfills. They distribute the food they recover to people suffering from food insecurity who are unable to buy enough groceries. The food being recovered is good quality food. Organic produce. Wild caught fish. Organic dry goods. Milk and eggs. Pork and beef.
Fifty percent or more of food in this country ends up in landfills. The waste starts on the farms, continues in restaurants and retail shops like grocery stores, and occurs the most in homes.
So my question is, if all of these producers, manufacturers, and distributors are ok with just throwing away product, why not get organized and give it away? I know there’s a family who would love a $250 rug for their house. Or a karaoke machine for their kids. And most certainly everyone would love access to free nutritious food!
Or how about we get better at managing what ends up in our landfills so that we can lower prices by selling more product? I don’t know what the answer is, but I do know that more and more I wonder why I’m paying for anything.
In a society full of abundance waste is inevitable.