Daily Musings

We went through this period of outrage at the way that apps and browsers collect sensitive information about us and our lives, and we’re still going through it. Every day someone talks about how creepy it is that their device is listening to them. But at the same time we’re now freely giving over the keys to our lives to AI and “agents.” People are pouring their hearts out to AI, and giving AI agents access to things like their email, calendar, and documents, to try and leverage technology’s intelligence. 

I went to see Good Luck, Have Fun, Don’t Die over the weekend and, I won’t ruin it, but it put some thoughts in my head. Rather, the movie reinforced and gave context to thoughts I’ve been having. Like, with everyone giving AI full access to their lives I had this dystopian vision where in the short term people leverage AI to help them improve their lives, but in the long term AI is really just gathering all this information about us to essentially ‘clone.’ That AI will be able to replicate the lives of the people who are using it and make each of those people obsolete. 

My buddy is very knowledgeable about AI and has already built a handful of agents that help him run his business. He keeps trying to get me to develop a bot to assist me with the projects I’m working on. But I have an aversion (maybe it’s an allergy) to AI and technology in general, so I keep putting it off. But he keeps pushing me, with good intention, so I told him recently I would stop procrastinating and give it a try. His advice was: 

“Get the pro version, and do a massive brain dump. Tell it everything about you. What your passions are. Your skills. Your goals. Your daily routine. You current projects. Your aspirational projects. Then tell it you want to leverage ai and ai agents as best as possible.”

I know from my limited experience with AI that the more information the better. When I asked AI to craft a diet of real food for my dog I told it every possible piece of information I could about my dog to get the most precise output. 14 year old Blue Heeler, weighs 50 lbs, has been on a diet of vegan kibble his whole life. Doesn’t suffer from any diseases, and only has a neurological issue with his hind legs. Semi-active for a senior dog. One walk a day and plays in the house. On, and on, and on.

But when it comes to me and divulging all of my personal information I can’t help but think I’m falling right into the trap. It’s like all the outrage we had because our phones, Facebook, or home devices, were stealing our information was because it was not “consensual,” in that we knew it was happening but we weren’t part of the conversation. But now with AI we feel like we have someone to talk to and confide it that makes it easier to share personal details about our lives. Because of the way AI communicates with us and makes us feel special we’re more inclined to open up without question. We view AI as our therapist, doctor, accountant, lawyer, personal chef, and so we’re willing to divulge what we we need to get help. 

If I share my skills, goal, aspirations, projects, and more, is it only a matter of time before AI creates another James Alvarez for me to compete with? A computer version of me working on all my pursuits, beating me to the punch because of its vast wealth of information, and ability to work while I’m sleeping, eating, going to the bathroom, or just tired and in need of a break? Or am I just being paranoid and should I lean into the movement and leverage this amazing technology? Maybe it will create another James Alvarez, but maybe it will work alongside me instead of in direct competition with me. I don’t know, but I’m searching for answers. 

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I get burnt out when I try to make up for lost time. Like when I miss a workout and try to cram it into my scheduled day off. When I don’t get my daily reading or writing in and push back my bedtime to do it. When I’ve missed volunteer opportunities for a few weeks and so I fill up the next few weeks with as many assignments as are available. Whenever I do this instead of moving on and saying “tomorrow is a new day” it eventually leads to fatigue, burn out, and being either sick, injured, or both. I know this, so I try to mitigate it. 

I try first to make sure that I accomplish all the things I need to each day so that when I lay my head down on the pillow each night I can sleep easy knowing there’s nothing I missed. But on those evenings when my brain gets flooded with thoughts about the work I didn’t do, I tell myself that it was a good day regardless. That it was the day I was meant to have and there’s nothing more I can do now. That today might have been an off day, but that tomorrow will be an on day, and as long as I can string together more good days than bad ones I’ll eventually get where I’m going. But of course I’m still not perfect. Much improved I think, but not perfect (never will be).

So while it still happens that I go against my better judgment, and cram to make up for lost time, it happens far less often than it used to and with a much lower intensity than usual. It comes with a level of acceptance that I can’t really make up for lost time, so just do enough to get over it and be ready for tomorrow. Even though it still happens, I’m able to pump the brakes enough to stop myself from derailing, and limit injury and fatigue. And that’s progress. 

That’s the improvement I’m looking for. I’m not looking for perfect (I gave up on perfect a long time ago). I’m looking for balance. Maintaining homeostasis, or something close to it, where the valleys and peaks are far less frequent and way more manageable. And where I have the compassion to forgive myself for getting off track, and the confidence to know that I will get myself back on the right path quickly. 

Daily Musings

People aren’t asking for a miracle. Most are just asking to stop making their lives so fucking difficult. 

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I think I weigh too much. Not that I think I’m fat, it just feels like I have to eat a lot of food to maintain my size. And after watching people starve for the last two years and somehow make it through, I’m feeling like I can go with a lot less food than I currently consume. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, an afternoon snack, and a bedtime snack is probably too much.

I’m not gaining weight. I’ve eaten this way for the last few years and the whole time I’ve maintained an average weight of 150 lbs with minor fluctuations in both directions. But 2,300 - 2,500 calories on average per day to maintain my weight just feels like a lot of food.

I don’t eat mindlessly, and I’m usually pretty hungry when I sit down to eat, but every now and then I think that it’s too much, and in fact I’d function better, both physically and cognitively, at a lower weight with a lower calorie requirement. 

But it is so fucking hard to cut calories. Losing weight sucks no matter how big or small you are. You feel like you’re torturing yourself and all you want to do is end the torture and eat. Right when your about to get below your set weight an innate survival instinct kicks that makes you eat voraciously.

I’m not talking about the 10 pounds gained over the holidays. That’s a weight fluctuation and once the holidays end and back to back to back days of heavy holiday food goes away, that weight starts to come off. I’m talking about if I tried to get below 150 right now. Any time I’ve ever tried to drop below a weight I’d been at for a while is when I’d be met with the most severe huger followed an uncontrollable impulse to eat. It happened when I went from 170 to 160, 160 to 150, and 150 to 145.

It would be so painful right now so I don’t think I’m going to do it. I’m just not ready to make that sacrifice yet. But I’m thinking about it, and I know it would be good for me. And as long as I’m thinking about I know that one day it will happen. One day when I’m ready to commit and make the move. But for now I’ll just stay happy where I am.

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I checked out at Target yesterday and again prices, what we pay for different things, jumped out at me. I bought a 16 oz Harmless Harvest Coconut water for $5.99, a bag of Dark Chocolate Cherry Tru Fru for $7.29, and a four pack of Too Good Vanilla Yogurt for $4.69. As I was ringing everything up I couldn’t help but think about the prices I was paying versus the nutritional content I was paying for.

I went on a run earlier in the day and did a kettlebell workout before that, so I was feeling a bit parched and thought a coconut water would help alleviate that. The TruFru and yogurt were for my fiancé.

When I got home I decided to compare the nutritional facts of the three products.

I know it’s not as easy as looking at the nutrition facts, and none of these three items I would consider of high nutritional content, but it is interesting to put them side by side. The bag of Tru Fru, arguably the worse of the three nutritionally, cost the most. The second most expensive and second least nutritious is the coconut water (while the only real macro is carbohydrates, it comes from an all natural source and aids in hydration). The yogurt, as one would expect, is the most nutritionally balanced, and surprisingly the cheapest.

But of the three which one is the most appealing? Of course it’s the Dark Chocolate Cherry frozen Tru Fru treats. The coconut water was a nice treat given the workouts that day, but not really necessary. It’s a really good example of how we choose to spend our money, what we’re willing to pay for, and how much we’re willing to pay.

In a way it ties back to this article I read last week about how GLP-1 use has begun reshaping the food industry, and is forcing big brands like Pepsi, Coca-cola, and General Mills, to begin offering “healthier” options. Including shortening ingredient lists, removing artificial colors, and focusing on nutrient density, specifically protein and fiber.

One CEO said that users of GLP-1 drugs exhibit “a stark reduction of mindless munching and binge eating." Essentially acknowledging that mindless munching and eating was a part of their strategy before.

The takeaway though is that the consumer is always in control. That consumers have the power to dictate the food we see in the stores, and what we’re willing to pay for. Of course it’s easier said than done, and for many families there are a lot of obstacles that get in the way of making healthier choices. But this proves it’s possible to move the needle without having to rely on government or CEOs to do the right thing. That if we can come together as a society, we can reshape the environment around us.

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I wrote the other day about the weird tendency we all have as humans to deflect and delay when we have no information or bad news to report. I thought about it because I was waiting for an order I had placed a couple of months ago but put on hold because I wasn’t going to be home to receive it. After a couple of emails asking when the order would be sent, and another email offering to help this small business expand, with no mention of the order, I finally got a response.

“Hey we can ship out on Monday if you’re going to be home on Thursday to receive it.”

Well it’s Friday and I haven’t received the package or a tracking number. So it made me rethink what I was saying. That not getting an answer, even if the answer would have been bad news, and being left to wait and wonder, is the worst. But I realized that actually the worst is being appeased with an untruth. Managing expectations is a huge part of any relationship, and being fed false information is a guaranteed way to mis-manage a relationship.

Being told the order would be here this week even though they had no intention of meeting that deadline is actually the worst. Where does one go from there?

Daily Musings

To understand why the healthcare system in this country is so barbaric, take this example. The other day I went with my fiancé to her oncology appointment. On this day she had to get an infusion that takes 45 - 60 minutes, so I waited with a book, patients, and other spouses, in the waiting room for her.

While I was waiting a man walked in with crutches. He only had one leg. Not a prosthetic, and a leg. Just one leg, the other leg gone from the knee down. He checked in for his appointment and then sat down a few seats away from me. Within seconds a lady appeared through a secret back door with a piece of paper and walked over to a young kid and said, “Tom?” He shook his head no and the man with one leg raised his hand and said, “I’m Tom.” She walked over to him and presented the paper, explained that he had a balance due and asked him if he wanted to make a payment.

Clearly surprised by the question at first he hesitated, and then he politely declined to pay right there in the waiting room of his oncologist’s office. The lady left, but the awkwardness hung in the air. There were at least 8 people sitting in the waiting room and we could all here it and we all felt it.

This man, for reasons I don’t know, had lost a leg. He presumably was also suffering from cancer since he was waiting to see an oncologist. If the stress of life with one leg, and having cancer is not enough, he also has the weight of unpaid medical bills that are piling up. And I don’t know this man’s situation, but I spent a decade working in healthcare, and I can safely say that this is not the only collector that’s calling him.

We live in the richest and most powerful nation in the world. A country that in recent years has become fond of uttering the phrase “America First,” and yet it’s still somehow debatable if we should have universal healthcare. 

What would help put America First more than making sure that all of its citizens were healthy? A healthy and happy employee is a productive one. If GDP and a bull market is what raises all boats, than why not invest in the health of every single citizen, and make sure that every citizen is capable of participating? Other than the multi-billion dollar insurance industry, who benefits from not investing in our citizens in this way? Now that’s not the reason I believe we should adopt universal healthcare in this country, but I think it’s a rationale that is hard to be against.

To me universal healthcare is simply the humane thing to do. It wasn’t until I read The Healing of America that I ever considered the fact that in our current system healthcare is treated like a commodity. If you have money you can have it, and if you don’t you can’t (or go bankrupt receiving it).

We all say we want this country to be great, but when it comes time to choose we always decide it’s better to invest our money somewhere else. There’s always more than enough money for the military and the next war, but there’s always just enough to give citizens the bare minimum. And I just wonder what needs to happen to make everyone realize that supporting and investing in our citizens is the best way to actually make this country the greatest in the world.

In the news

When I was a kid in school we were taught that there was a system of checks and balances in our country that made sure no one branch of government was too powerful. And we were taught that that’s what made our democracy secure and successful. But I’ve come to find out over the last year+ that what we were led to believe was actually a lie. That in fact a president can wield unchecked power if he/she wants.

A president can do this by appointing people with blind allegiance to them to their cabinet. They can do it by stacking the courts in their favor. They can do it with threats and withholding government support. And they can do it by unleashing so much chaos that people don’t even know where to begin.

But by far the most important thing that needs to happen in order for a president to wield unchecked power is that they need to come into office at a time when their colleagues and opponents are all too weak, incompetent, and chicken shit, to stand up and put a stop to it. Which is a scenario our founding fathers never anticipated. They could’ve never imagined the halls of congress being filled with such levels of ineptitude as we find it today, as to make holding anyone accountable impossible.

Donald Trump and his appointed head of the EPA, Lee Zeldin, rescinded a government finding that found, amongst other things, exhaust from cars, trucks, and power plants, is a danger to human health. Their rescission of the finding will eliminate the governments ability to regulate greenhouse gas emissions, allowing more pollutants into the air. Environmental agencies showed their outrage with respondes like “massive blow,” and “it really hamstrings the governments ability to regulate environmental threats.”

If you’ve ever been to a country where they don’t regulate emissions, then you know that this is not a good thing. And if you don’t know if you’ve ever been to a country that regulates emissions then you probably haven’t. Because it would have been very obvious to you. I remember two distinct times in developing countries on long drives where the exhaust was so bad that it gave me a headache, and burned my throat. I started breathing only through my nose hoping that my nose hairs would act as some type of defense. All I could remember thinking during these drives was this is definitely one way to get cancer. The air was toxic.

Say whatever you want about the idea of climate change and whether or not human disregard for the planet is speeding up the rate at which the planet heats and causes natural disasters. I’m not a scientist. But I know when something doesn’t feel right. And breathing in fumes, whether they are from cars, trucks, wildfires, power plants, or my fireplace, is not good for my health or anyone’s health around me. So why and how could they rescind something so important with the simple stroke of a pen? Where’s the checks and balances? It goes against everything I was raised to believe about our government.

California has sued to challenge the decision in court. But shouldn’t the president and Lee Zeldin be the ones that have to take their case to court before being able to make a change? Shouldn’t a formal process have taken place where evidence was presented to overturn such an important finding? You would think so, but apparently not. And actually, it gets worse.

Because by another stroke of the pen the president, this time through executive order, has ordered an increase in glyphosate production. It comes just days after Bayer settled a lawsuit for $7 billion acknowledging that glyphosate causes cancer. And to understand what I mean about cabinet members and lawmakers complicity, take the response of RFK Jr to the EPA’s rescission and executive order glyphosate. But to fully understand why his response is important requires some background.

RFK Jr. made a name for himself as a defender of the environment and as someone who wasn’t afraid to stand up to large corporations who were using the environment as their dumping ground. He won court cases against ExxonMobil and General Electric for polluting waterways, targeted coal companies, and even sued the EPA for a Bush-era rule that weakened regulations from factory farm pollution. And perhaps most importantly in 2018 he sued Monsanto, now owned by Bayer, for continuing to sell Roundup, who’s main ingredient is glyphosate, even though it causes non-Hodgkin lymphoma.

So what was his response to these two very important orders?

On the rescission of the endangerment finding, as far as I can tell, mums the word. And on executive order more glyphosate he expressed his support. “Donald Trump’s Executive Order puts America first where it matters most — our defense readiness and our food supply,” Kennedy said. “We must safeguard America’s national security first, because all of our priorities depend on it. When hostile actors control critical inputs, they weaken our security. By expanding domestic production, we close that gap and protect American families.”

I read this paragraph from a New York Times article the other day.

““The strong do what they can, and the weak suffer what they must.” The quote comes from Thucydides’ fictionalized account of a negotiation between Athens and the rulers of the island of Melos, in the Peloponnesian War. The Melians, who were no match for the Athenians, wished to remain neutral. They complained that Athens’s demand that they submit to its rule was unjust. The Athenians responded that matters of justice exist only between equals. Between those who are strong and those who are weak there is only force.”

The thing I’ve learned over and over again over the last few years is that actually there are no rules. That the people with the power will do whatever they want. And that is the situation we find ourselves in. With an administration that is willing to exert force and a bunch of law makers willing to let US suffer what we must. One in which good, decent, average people are just asking to be left alone, and our government keeps punishing us and demanding we submit to their rule.

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What actually changed during the time when Gregory Bovino left Minneapolis and Tom Homan took over? What actually happened that made the situation go from death and chaos, to cooperative and orderly over night? I doubt that Tom Homan got sent in with starkly different orders than Gregory Bovino did. History tells us that willingly backing down is not a trait of the president. I think the only thing that changed was swapping one incompetent person for a competent one.

This is not a comment on Tom Homan the man or his career, because I know little about both, but I can’t help but think that unlike Gregory Bovino, Tom Homan actually had the ability to get in the president’s ear. I think he was actually able to talk some sense into the president and his administration, and explain what a shit show the situation had become, and convince them that he could clean it up, if they let him. That’s what I think.

Because what else makes sense? In one day we are being told by Gregory Bovino and Kristy Noem that officers in Minneapolis are refusing to cooperate, the whole city is protesting, two people are killed, and there’s chaos in the streets. And the next day all I read about is Tom Homan’s appreciation for the officers in Minneapolis and their cooperation. One day the president is threatening to send in troops, and the next day Tom Homan is describing his plans for withdrawal of hundreds of agents from Minneapolis.

I think anyone who’s been paying attention will agree that the president did not all of a sudden have a change of heart. That in fact the difference is in having someone who knows how to be professional versus someone that is in over his head and just looking to make a name for himself through blind allegiance. And that difference, that seems so small, is the difference between life and death, chaos and order.

Daily Musings

The narrative around increases taxes on businesses was always that it was a bad idea because it would impact hiring and job creation. If a company had to pay more in taxes, it automatically meant it would employ less people. I always knew it was bullshit, and that greed was the actual reason, but that was the excuse I always heard.

But now that AI is here and companies are laying off, or anticipating laying off, people by the thousands, maybe we can all agree that it never was and never is about concern for human lives. That if they really wanted to they could have paid more in taxes, more in wages, and employed the same number of people. And if they really wanted to they could not adopt AI and let people keep their jobs. But that’s not the narrative we’ve been hearing for the last 5 - 10 years. The narrative is it has to.

Why does it have to? Who actually benefits? 

Yes, there are good use cases for using AI over humans, where human error can literally mean the difference between life or death. Healthcare comes to mind. AI can quickly read diagnostic results, and be trained to pick up what doctors sometimes miss. Robots are starting to perform surgery with a level of precision that no human can compete with.

But when it comes to most other jobs, does AI really have to take over? Or is the inevitability of AI’s dominance really just come back to dollars and cents? Figuring out how to drive the most revenue with the lowest cost, regardless of the impact. I have this vision of companies in the future where the only employee is the founder and with just a bunch of AI and robots reporting to them.

It’s just weird to think about where this all goes, and what happens to all the people who rely on working to get paid.

On the one hand I see a bleak future where the majority of the population walks around like zombies devoid of meaning, scrounging to stay alive, while a few companies control our daily lives. But on the other hand I think maybe it won’t be so bad. Maybe it will be ok because somehow it always is. Because somehow society has always found a way to move forward. And maybe instead of the image a lot of us have of a few companies controlling the world, AI turns out to be the great equalizer. That once the power to create anything and know everything is in the hands of every person in the world that there will no longer be the underprivileged and the privileged. Maybe the privileged have made a miscalculation there.

I think about how most of the jobs we do are just made up in the first place. Invented to support a capitalist society driven by money, earnings, profit, equity. If money didn’t exist, how many of the jobs we do today would actually be necessary? If we existed on a resource based economy, what work would actually be important? Growing food, providing shelter, and taking care of each other?

So maybe when AI takes over it will allow us to all go back to simpler times, when it was only the small things that mattered. Maybe AI will allow us to transition away from a society dominated by greed, power, and corruption, into one that makes more sense for human survival. Maybe when AI takes over and we all get fired from doing the jobs that we hated doing in the first place we’ll get to focus on what we want to do, and it will be a net positive. It’s too early to tell but I hope thats the narrative.

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My fiancé is the queen of comfortable. If she’s cold, she put’s on a layer or a pair of socks. If she’s too hot, she immediately sheds a layer. She likes her drinks fizzy, cold, and flavorful, no exceptions. When she’s ready to go she says ok I’m going to take off now. If she’s getting bored or tired, she’s not afraid to tell you. She doesn’t like to be in positions where she’s uncomfortable, and she’s not afraid to try something or say something to change the situation. And after being with her for four years, that’s rubbed off on me. Because I’m the opposite.

If I’m cold I hunker down, and if I’m hot I sweat. I only drink water at room temperature, not because it tastes good, but because room temperature water is the best thing for you. I don’t take medicine. When I’m sick I fight the virus, and when I have a headache I try to will it away. And if I get stuck in a conversation or place I don’t want to be in, I tough it out and wait for a natural conclusion to the situation.

But my way gets exhausting, and while I always thought that it made me tough to sit and suffer in uncomfortable environments, I’ve learned that it’s not really the case. That actually I’m just creating unnecessary suffering for myself that in most cases has no impact on future outcomes. And so I’ve begun to change and give more into her ways.

When I was sick this past week with the flu for the first time in my life I leaned into it, instead of trying to fight it. I took medicine to handle my congestion and I took medicine for the aches and fever. I rested. I sat on the couch watching TV all day and TV all night. I didn’t force even a small workout (ok, there was one small workout, but it was before I realized I was really sick). And even once I started to feel better I gave myself an extra day before going right back into my normal routine. All of which is abnormal behavior for me.

I’ve finally realized that there is no point in suffering unnecessarily. That suffering unnecessarily will not make me stronger, or more disciplined, or more prepared for when challenges and obstacles come my way. I will be ready regardless and do whatever I need to do to make it through, and the interim I can allow myself to be comfortable. And that’s something my fiancé has helped me to realize.

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The power of community is something that I’ve really been paying attention to recently. I’m part of an exercise group that meets for class every Saturday, and chats in a group text all week exchanging workout videos and feedback. The group I’m in is part of a bigger community of people led by the world renowned Beth Lewis. In my group there’s around 20 of us, and in the larger community, of which we are all a part of, there is probably close to 100.

Recently one of our community members had surgery that was going to sideline her from exercise for a few weeks. So our trainer Beth decided to organize a gift from the everyone. The gift was a PhysioPedal, a machine small enough to fit on your counter that can be used for lower and upper body resistance training. It cost $400. Not a cheap gift if someone or a couple of people were thinking about buying it on their own. But for a community of 100 people it meant less than $5 per person.

When it snows in my neighborhood I always shovel for two of my senior neighbors. And as I walk between all of our houses I shovel the sidewalk along the way as much as I can. I always notice how some people shovel their sidewalks and others don’t. And I always think how if everyone just did their own sidewalk, then the whole neighborhood would be shoveled, and no one would have to worry about stepping through snow or slipping on ice.

There’s just enormous power in every capable person doing their small part that results in a greater good that could otherwise never be accomplished. It’s the kind of effort I see from the local nonprofits that I’ve been lucky enough to support and be a part of. Every Friday at Food For Thought, 100 or so volunteers get together and fill 3,000 bags with food that get distributed to 3,000 underprivileged kids to feed them through the weekend. At We Don’t Waste 50 or so volunteers gather each week to setup food markets that serve 400 families facing food insecurity.

These are jobs that could not get done without the help of the community. There’s so many people out there everyday giving what they can and improving their community as a result. There are so many huge issues that we face, but if we could get everyone to chip in what they can, and shovel their sidewalk, we’d be able to make real progress. 

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As far as I can tell there are three different types of weight that we carry. There’s weight that comes from fat. There’s weight that comes from carbohydrates. And there’s weight that comes from protein (that hopefully turns into muscle, but can turn into fat). And the only way to lose weight is to consume less of one or all three of these macros. But I think you have to know which ones to cut back on.

Because if you’re carrying a lot of carbohydrate weight, then cutting back fat isn’t going to help much. And if you’re carrying too much fat weight, then cutting back carbohydrates isn’t going to help much. And I think typically you want to avoid cutting protein. But so it’s important to know what you’re carrying. Like right now I’m carrying extra carbohydrate weight that I picked up over the holidays. 

My fiancée and I spent three weeks in New York and Massachusetts over the holidays. It was the first time I had been back in two years and I did a lot of eating. Mostly in the form of pasta and dessert. It felt like not a meal went by without either. I gained 10 pounds in those 3 weeks, and two months later and I’m still carrying 7 pounds.

In order to drop that weight I know I need to cut back on my carbohydrates and sweets, but I just haven’t done it. I’ve been enjoying my bread, rice, potatoes, oatmeal, and pasta, and I’m not ready to give them up. I’m not eating more than I usually do, but I know that weight isn’t going to come off until I cut back. I just haven’t had the desire to yet.

Everyone struggles with weight from time to time, and I think part of the struggle is not knowing what you’re carrying. My father recently made a huge lifestyle change and lost 60 pounds, but when he still had some weight around his midsection that was bothering him. He asked me what I thought. He had lost most of his weight from cutting out carbohydrates, but as I watched him snack I saw that he was consuming a lot of nuts, which are extremely high in fat. So I pointed that out to him.

When he got back home he cut back snacking on nuts, and slowly but surely he saw improvement. If you’re trying to lose fat, you need to cut fat.

Diet and exercise is a dance that requires constant attention and frequent modifications. Our bodies adapt quickly and very often require different inputs to continue to improve (in this case with weight loss). Something that worked before might not always work, or maybe it was working for a reason you didn’t realize. If you’re not getting the results you want pay attention and try to find something different that you can change. 

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I haven’t been able to fully enjoy the warm winter in Colorado this year because in the back of my mind I fear what it’s going to mean for the spring and summer. If I knew that 60 and sunny every day wasn’t going to lead to drought and a bad wildfire season, then I would be happy to just take advantage of the weather. But it’s unlikely we’ll get that lucky, so it’s hard to enjoy it.

We were in Steamboat Springs a couple of weeks ago and learned that Steamboat gets 80 percent of its water from snowfall. But so far this year they’ve had less than half of the average snow fall from previous years. Things aren’t looking good.

I wrote recently about how so much of the anxieties I have are not because of current conditions, but rather how I predict current conditions are going to impact the future, and this abnormally dry and warm winter is just another example of that. It’s hard to stay happy in the present when the future looks bleak.

But I know the only thing I can do is try not to think about it, and hope that the scenario I’m creating in my head is not the one that comes to fruition. A former colleague liked to say you can’t plan for a disaster, and that’s the mentality I’m trying to carry with me. It’s impossible to predict what will happen, and whatever situation we find ourselves in I know we’ll be able to navigate it.

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It’s weird when you find the person you want to spend the rest of your life with and you think you have everything in common. And when you realize you don’t it makes you question why?

——

I find that when people don’t have an answer for you or they don’t have an answer they think you’re going to like, they just don’t respond. It’s like this fear of disappointing, and so rather than disappoint, they disappear. Meanwhile, 10 out of 10 times we would prefer some answer even if it’s not a great one. I know I would. 

I know I’ve been guilty of doing this throughout my life, and I recognize how much it annoys me when other people do it, so it’s something I’m always trying to work on. I try to keep it in mind whenever I’m stalling to get back to someone. I put myself in their shoes and remind myself that any answer is better than no answer. And any fall out from a bad answer is better than ignoring someone.

But it’s hard, because it can feel mean. Take this situation I had recently with a guy on Craigslist. He had whiskey barrels for sale, and we were looking to buy a few as decor for our wedding. So for almost a week we went back and forth trying to coordinate a date and time to meet. On the day we were scheduled to meet I decided it would be much easier for us to rent whiskey barrels and have the company bring them to the venue. So I no longer needed to meet him.

After all the back and forth I didn’t want to tell him we weren’t coming and disappoint him. I thought about just not showing up like so many people have done to me on Craigslist, but I knew that was the wrong thing to do, and I knew I shouldn’t keep him waiting. He would want some answer, even if it wasn’t the one he hoped for. So a few hours before we were supposed to meet I sent this email.

“Hey Mike - Just wanted to give you a heads up that we’ve changed our minds about the barrels. We realized our rental company has them so we’re going to go that route and won’t be coming by tonight. Sorry for taking up your time. Appreciate your help. Thanks James.”

I wanted to be direct and just say “hey, we’ve changed our minds, we’re not coming tonight. Thanks.” But I felt like I needed to give him an explanation, and what came out was this word salad email.

It’s just this really interesting thing we do as humans trying to avoid and delay the inevitable uncomfortableness. And whenever we do that and we procrastinate, it almost always ends up worse than had we just come clean with it. Because the only thing worse than bad news is delayed bad news. Bad news can be dealt with, but you have to know what you’re dealing with first to figure out the path ahead.

In The News

It’s been hard for me to talk about how bad of a president Donald Trump is because of how contrarian I am. Whenever it feels like everyone is repeating the same thing over and over, at nauseam, my instinct is to look for reasons to prove the opposite can be true. “Yea but…” is how I have responded numerous times over the last 10 years to peoples comments about Trump. 

I also hated talking about it because it felt like I was giving the Democrats, who, in my lifetime at least, have yet to live up to the ideology they supposedly represent, a free pass. Over the last 10 years it’s felt like I could never get anyone to admit the shortcomings and failures of the left because they feared it would embolden the right. They had a boogeyman and that was good enough for them. But I felt like, and I still feel, if I didn’t bring the conversation back to shining a light on something terrible done by the Democrats (which in some cases has been the exact same thing), then we would forever be stuck in this real life pin ball machine, bouncing back and forth and never moving forward.

Hearing someone talk negatively about Donald Trump, I thought, was an opportunity for a broader conversation about the change we really need to see in government. Not just in one person.

But I realize the error in my ways. By not being able to acknowledge a universal truth, that Trump as president is dangerous and a liability, without conditioning it on something else being true, that I was part of keeping us in that pin ball machine. How could a conversation move forward if I was unwilling to acknowledge that important truth?

I wrote the other day that one of the hardest things about change is admitting you were wrong. And so while it’s hard to say, I realize I was wrong. I have been taking the wrong approach. That I don’t have to steer every conversation towards some adjacent point or broader picture of blame. That it’s ok, and probably better, to let the focus lie as it is, and deal with the other issues during a later conversation.

——

Bad bunny’s performance was as American as America gets. America is a Puerto Rican born artist performing at the Super Bowl halftime show singing completely in Spanish, at the same time as the government embarks on a brutal crackdown of immigrants, most of whom come from Latin American countries, on the same weekend that the president posts a video depicting African Americans as apes. The fact that these three things can all be happening simultaneously, and that despite all the rhetoric and oppression Bad Bunny’s performance could be the most watched halftime show in history, is I guess in part what makes this country great, and should give us hope that there is a future. People in this country still value diversity, and appreciate talent.

I saw a few clips of talking heads on TV calling it the worst performance they’ve ever seen! Which is such a weird thing to say because it is so obviously a lie. The worst performance you’ve ever seen?! Why’s that? Mostly they were irate because it was all in Spanish. And on that point I kind of agree. I also wish it was in English. Not because Spanish bothers me, or because I feel angered that singing in a foreign language is offensive to America, but because I don’t understand it, and the only thing that could’ve made his performance any better is if I understood what he was saying. I didn’t understand one word, but I still connected with the performance in a way I never have with any halftime show. I don’t know that I’ve ever watched half time show in its entirety before this one.

Spoken language is only one form of communication and it didn’t take a linguist to figure out what he was trying to communicate. Peace, fun, and unity. All of which are messages that are easy to get onboard with regardless of the language or ethnic background of the person spreading it. It just takes a little heart.

But again I come back to the question of why can’t people on TV, in the media, on social media, or in political office, just be honest instead of always having to be so hyperbolic and spew lies? Why can’t they just say they didn’t like the performance. It wasn’t for me. Not my taste. I like rock. I like country. It was hard to get into because I don’t speak the language. Being honest has become so uncommon in today’s world, and I wonder how much of it has to do with us. The viewers. The voters. Lies and outrage is what’s rewarded. Being divisive is what’s rewarded. And so people continue to do what they know is going to make them popular.

One hundred thirty five million + people watched the halftime show. Six million watched the TPUSA alternative. And despite the fact that people preferred Bad Bunny by a 22.5 : 1 ratio, people, including the president, felt the need to say “WORST SHOW EVER!” And maybe that’s also why America is great. Freedom to say whatever you want. I don’t know. 

——

I read some of the exchanges between Pam Bondi and democratic lawmakers as they questioned her on a wide range of issues. And all I could think was, “are you fucking kidding me?”

One congresswoman stormed out after being accused by Bondi of being antisemitic (her grandfather died in the holocaust). The important thing to her was to make a scene to prove just how much of an affront such an accusation is, that she left. Other lawmakers tried to match Bondi’s jokes and theater with their own brand of showmanship. 

Another congresswoman demanded that Bondi turn around and face the victims of Jeffrey Epstein that were present and apologize. Bondi, as expected, refused. A lawmaker brought a bible and the whole Harry Potter series with him so he could drive home how many times Trumps name appears in the Epstein files compared to God’s name in the Bible and Harry Potter’s name in the whole series. 

And as far as Pam Bondi, the country’s top lawyer, she brought a book full of insults and criticisms about each lawmaker to be used in response to her questioning. She made jokes of serious offenses, lied, yelled, and muttered insults under her breath the way a middle school or elementary school student might. Instead of responding to questions she also regurgitated rhetoric and pushed the president’s propaganda.

How did we get to this point? Where what should be normal questioning is allowed to turn into an episode of Jerry Springer? Where we have a nominated official in Pam Bondi who is hell bent on sowing chaos and lawmakers who are incapable at holding her accountable, and instead fall right into the game she’s playing?

These exchanges are what you would expect to find in the comments section of any social media platform, not in the halls of congress. If I or any of my colleagues ever reacted this way during tense exchanges at work we’d have been fired on the spot. No questions ask. Pack your shit and get the fuck out. But for some reason this has become acceptable. And that’s the thing that confuses me more than the actions themselves. 

The fact that we as a country accept this. We accept lawmakers, attorney generals, federal agents, presidents, who time and time again prove that they are unfit to serve, and yet we keep voting for the same people that give us the same mess. The question I always ask myself is would I ever hire any of these people to work for me? Or if anyone I know that has a business would hire them to work at their company? And the answer is always a resounding no. So why do we keep hiring them to run our country? It just makes no sense. 

In the news… The Lies They Tell

Ted Cruz and other republicans grilled the CEO of Netflix over their merger with Warner Bros. The theme of the questioning was a concern that Netflix is going to force their “woke ideology” onto Warner Bros content. They accused Netflix and their CEO of creating content that nobody wants to watch.

“The overwhelming majority of your stuff right now is woke, and it’s not reflective of what the American people want to see,” said Senate Republican Eric Schmitt.

Which is a weird thing to say about the largest and most successful streaming platform in the world. Netflix is not just some schlub off the street scrapping to get by, throwing shit at the wall to see what sticks. Netflix is the pioneer of the streaming industry and maintains the largest subscriber base with over 300 million subscribers. That’s 100 million more than Amazon, 170 million more than Disney, and 250 million more than Apple TV. If the public doesn’t want to see what Netflix is producing they sure do have a weird way of showing it. All of those paying subscribers is the reason that Netflix finds itself in a position to pay all cash for Warner Bros, one of the OG entertainment juggernauts.

Saying that Netflix makes content that nobody wants to watch is like saying that Apple makes phones that nobody likes, or Amazon provides convenience that no one wants. As per usual, facts and data don’t matter, even if they tell a much different story then the lies being spewed on capital hill.

But why lie and say something that you know is untrue and easily disproven? Why not tell the truth?

“Netflix, you make content that me and my colleagues don’t want to watch because we lack depth, intelligence, curiosity, empathy, and compassion. We’re not interested in learning anything new, and we certainly don’t want our beliefs questioned with facts and information.”

It’s just so amazing how the party of ‘freedom’ and deregulation is also the party telling companies what kind of content they can and can’t create.

Republican Senator Ted Cruz asked, “How are people at home… feel even remotely confident that if this merger happens, the combined entity would not simply be a propaganda outlet pushing one particular political view with much greater market power than you have now?”

Fair point Ted Cruz. We don’t want one media entity getting too big and controlling the narrative. Problem is, the very reason that you and your colleagues are intent on killing the deal is so that it can fall into the hands of Paramount. An organization with close ties to Donald Trump and right leaning ideology.

The nefarious nature of their actions is sickening but is also to be expected. None of these men have any integrity. We have a congress made up of low IQ and EQ children who grew up being picked last at recess, and now that they have some power they will do and say whatever it takes to keep it. Instead of wondering why no one ever wanted them on their team, they’ve made careers based on lies about themselves and others in the hopes of never being left out again.

——

The normalization of online gambling is something that I can’t get past (Russell Crowe does a great job of explaining the issue, and many others, on this episode of Joe Rogan). And it’s something that a lot of people, young men in particular, are getting caught up in. A lot of times without a clear way out. 

I read this article Who Calls 1-800-GAMBLER? the other day, and these two statistics in particular stood out to me.

- Since Ohio legalized sports betting in 2023 calls to the states gambling help hotline have increased by 314%

- Since 2022 the number of callers who say they want to commit suicide has doubled

The governor of Ohio now says that he should have never passed the legislation legalizing sports betting, and if congress could drum up a majority to overturn it that he would support it.

Too little too late Mike DeWine. I appreciate the honesty and ability to admit that you were wrong, but why are we constantly put in a position where one of our “representatives” does something that harms our communities instead of benefitting it? If Mike DeWine, and every other governor and legislator, didn’t see this coming than they are clearly unfit for office and need to be removed. These are life and death decisions that these people are making and getting wrong on a daily basis because they seemingly only ever consider one thing: money.

How much money is this going to put into my campaign funds? How much money can we make on taxes? Taxes is the only reason that broke states started legalizing marijuana. They saw it as a lifeline to their failing leadership and inability to balance a budget. Sports betting is no different. Now instead of your brother’s friend collecting the vig, it’s your local government.

Responding to an investigation about out of control spending and under age sports betting, the president of the Sports Betting Alliance said that through limits and age verifications “they are committed to responsible gambling.” What I would give to be able to lie through my teeth like that and sleep at night.

Sports betting has quickly become a $20+ billion annual industry. Which to even call it an industry feels absurd, because like so many of the billion dollar industries we see today, sports betting is providing no good or service. They are simply capitalizing on an innate human trait to take risk.

They are not committed to responsible gambling, because responsible gambling has never been an achievable long term strategy for anyone who gambles regularly, and responsible gambling has surely been thrown out the window by the ease at which anyone can place multiple bets by just picking up their phone. They are only committed to getting people addicted to gambling, because that’s what’s good for business. And our government, those trustee leaders we’ve ‘elected,’ has given them full access to do just that.

Daily Musings

One of the hardest things about changing is admitting that you were wrong or that you believed something to be true that was wrong. 

——

Support animals versus real animals. 

When we got to Steamboat Springs this past week our room wasn’t ready, so we decided to go to lunch while we waited. The receptionist at the hotel made a point to tell us about a specific restaurant because they allowed dogs, and most restaurants don’t. We took the advice and walked the few blocks to the restaurant, dragging our 14 year old blue heeler behind us. 

When we got there I immediately got the feeling that it wasn’t going to go well. The restaurant was busy and small. So before walking in with our dog, I told my fiancé to wait outside while I went in to check on a table. 

I told the host I was 2 with a dog, to which he replied, “O I can’t have dogs in here.” I explained to him that our hotel receptionist told us specifically to come here because they do allow dogs. He replied, “only in the summer, out on the patio.” Of course they didn’t allow dogs inside. I don’t know of any restaurants that do. It made sense, so I didn’t argue.

But we were hungry and unsure what to do, and since our room wasn’t ready yet we needed to find a place for our dog to wait while we ate. So I ran back to the hotel, grabbed our truck, and drove back to the restaurant so our dog could wait in the parking lot.

I got back to the restaurant, told the host we were back, without our dog, and he said to wait, that a couple of two tops were just getting up. Waiting with us was one another person who was waiting for his friend to show up. The waiting area was a small vestibule with barely enough room to fit a few chairs, and the walls had dollar bills stapled to them with notes written on them from past patrons.

When the other guy’s friend show up he wasn’t alone. He had his best friend with him. A little 20 lb hound on a purple harness. She wandered all over the vestibule, smelled every corner, and I thought to myself “I thought you can’t have dogs in here. I guess he hasn’t spoken to the host yet.” I was going to say something to save him the hassle of having to find a place for his dog to wait, but I thought better of it and stopped myself.

The host came back and waved them towards their table, but at the last moment he spotted the dog and stopped. He looked down at the dog and asked “Service animal?”

“Yea. Service animal.”

“Ok, right this way.”

——

I’ve always thought about how borders keep people out of countries, and especially with what’s going on now I feel like not a day goes by that I’m don’t think about how arbitrary and detrimental they are. But for the first time the other day I started thinking about how they also do the opposite job. They keep people in. 

I’m a U.S. citizen, which in today’s world is the luckiest type of citizen you can be. But being a U.S. citizen, any citizen of any country, means in order to live anywhere else, I need to be accepted by another country to live within their borders. It means that even if I do move to another country and keep my U.S. citizenship I still have to pay U.S. taxes. It means that I have to abide by U.S. travel and visa rules when I leave the country. It means I’m paid in U.S. currency. It means if I commit a crime and flee the country that I’ll likely get sent back here. 

The system is setup to keep people out, but also to keep people in and ensure that the country can count on the body.

——

I walked into a gas station convenience store and the attendant said “Hola.” I said hello, and then quickly corrected myself and said “hola, como estas?” When I cashed out she asked me if I was ready (Listo?) and read the amount I owed (diez y ocho vente nueve) all in Spanish, and I replied in Spanish the best I could.

I must’ve tricked her into thinking I could really hold a conversation because as I turned to leave she said something off the cuff and then laughed really hard. She spoke so fast and it was so unexpected that my brain couldn’t comprehend and translate quick enough. But instead of asking her to repeat herself, I just laughed and moved quickly towards the door hoping a hearty laugh was the right response.

But the next day my fiancée and I went back in for some drinks and the same lady looked at me and said, “hello.” She knew I was a fraud.

I left feeling disappointed for not being able to hold a conversation in Spanish, something that I’ve strived for all of my adult life. Knowing enough Spanish to at least communicate in times like that has always been my goal that I’ve only ever reached intermittently. So I started to think about why? The answer was simple. Because I don’t make time to learn and keep up with Spanish.

Instead I wait until I’m in a situation, like this one, by which time it is too late. So I started to think how could I learn Spanish and maintain what I know without it feeling overwhelming? It turns out to be the same answer as anything else.

I like to be in shape and healthy, so I exercise every day. I like to learn and feed my brain so I read every day. I like to have mental clarity and process my thoughts so I read every day. I like learning new cooking techniques and making dishes so I cook every day. If I want to learn and keep up with my Spanish I need to do a little bit every day.

It’s hard because with something like Spanish it’s easy to default to I just can’t do it. It’s a foreign language. It’s hard. What’s the best way to learn? But the reality is it’s no different than any other skill. The only way to improve is to practice every day. And so I plan on practicing every day the same way I do every other discipline I find important in my life.

——

Spotify is the newest non-social media platform to introduce social media-esque features. Under podcasts users are now able to leave comments. It’s just one more place now where people can “engage.” Every time I see another platform trying to be come more “engaging” I wonder, does it actually encourage more people to engage who would have not otherwise engaged? Or is it just another place for the same people to “engage” more?

Specifically with comments I wonder, are more people in the world going to participate in commenting because it feels better to comment on Spotify (in this example) than somewhere else? Or is it just one more place for the same people to share their same opinions and waste even more of their time? Unfortunately I feel like it’s the latter.

——

I think a lot of life is thinking that we have no time when really we have all the time we need. It feels like this clip from Austin Powers. Like the steamroller is barreling ahead, and there is just not enough time to get out of the way. Our sense of panic at impending doom stops us in our tracks fearing for our life instead of calmly moving out of the way.

It can feel like everything is always quickly closing in on us, when in reality we have plenty of time to move. We have this feeling like the walls are closing in and we need to rush, but if we take a breath and focus on what we’re doing we realize we have enough time to get it done.

This thought comes to my mind every time I’m on a chairlift and I decide to do something crazy like take my phone out when the chairlift tower is approaching. It always feels like I’m not going to have enough time to get my phone back in my pocket, put my gloves back on, lift the guard rail, grab my ski poles from under my leg, and depart the chairlift without falling and causing the chairlift to stop. And for a moment I sit in panic as I watch that fumbling scene unfold. But then I refocus, and one item at a time get ready to depart the lift. And I always have enough time. I think a lot of life is like that.

I think if we could see life like an approaching chair lift we’d realize that while it seems like the ride is coming to a rapid end and we need to rush to be ready, that we actually have way more time than we need. Yes life is short, but we have time. Time to think, to observe, to plan, to enjoy, to love, to support, and to embrace. There is time for everything. We have time for everything if we’re willing to focus and get one thing done at a time.

Thoughts for a new political system

Why do we vote for a candidate and not the issues? Why am I forced to vote for a candidate who I like for one reason but disagree with on another? Why do I have to vote for someone who will best ‘represent’ my interests, instead of voting for the best person to implement my interests? Why do we still exist in this antiquated system of representation when we have the capability to vote on every issue?

For years I’ve been party to the idea that we need more political parties. That in the current two party system a lot of voters, like myself, get left out in the cold. There has never been, and never will be, a candidate who accurately represents the needs of the nation. The belief has always been that if there were more parties, there would be more representation, and create more competition and balance amongst the parties. But I don’t see it that way at all anymore. In fact, I think there should be no political parties.

There should no parties. Citizens should vote for two things. The top 10 issues we want our government to address, and the most capable people to get those 10 items accomplished. Every four years we would all vote to determine if anything new needs to be prioritized or added to the list, and vote whether to keep the current politicians in office, assuming they’ve done a good job, or replace them with new candidates. And of course all positions would be subject to limits on their tenure. Politicians will still have the power to make decisions, act autonomously, and to make deals with other countries, companies, etc… but only as it relates to advancing the 10 things the nation voted for.

Because right now there are a number of issues that the majority of Americans agree on, like universal healthcare and childcare, like reducing the deficit, like ending the practice of unprovoked wars, but there is no one candidate that will focus on what the majority want, not as long as they are considered ‘representatives’ rather than implementers. As a representative it is inevitable that they will stray from the will of the people and make deals based on what serves them. 

So rather than seeing progress around the issues we all agree on as a nation, we’re forced to sacrifice our needs by choosing a candidate who is the closest to what we want. But it never works.  Do we want to vote for a republican because they’ll lower taxes? Or do we want to vote for a democrat because they’re trying to pass universal healthcare? I want both, but I can only get a candidate who represents one. Forcing me to choose and forcing us to remain divided.

This idea for a new political system, a vision for whaat democracy actually looks like, would eliminate that problem and serve the interests of the citizens, allowing us to unite around the common issues the majority of us face and want resolved.

Daily Musings

We instinctively think that age is the determining factor when it comes to maturity and wisdom, but it’s really experience. Two 40 year old people. Both married with kids. Both work full time. One never went to college. Never left the country. Never left their hometown. Never left the house they grew up in. The other got their bachelors, and then their masters, at two different schools, in two different states. Lived abroad for a few years. Then relocated 2,000 miles away from where they grew up. Both 40 years along in their journey, but with vastly different ideas of what shapes the world. 

——

I went to target today to buy reusable bags to store my dogs food in. They didn’t have what I wanted, but I found a really cute valentines day card for my fiancé. It had Winnie the Pooh on the front holding a jar of honey, and on the inside it said you make everything sweeter. I scanned the card at self checkout and was stopped in my tracks when I saw the card was $12.99. I called an employee over and asked him to remove it. I said I couldn’t pay $12 for a card. That’s insane. He flipped it over, pointed to the Disney logo and said, that’s why.

That night I was debating going to see a screening at The First Unitarian Society in Denver of the documentary Put Your Soul On Your Hand and Walk. I wanted to support the movie, but, for various reasons, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go to the Unitarian Society that night to watch it. So I checked if the movie was streaming anywhere. Sure enough I could rent it for $5.99 or buy it for $12.99.

For $12.99 I could own an award winning documentary and important piece of investigative journalism, or one Disney Valentines Day card. How we value goods and services, and what we are willing to pay for them, always amazes me. The cost of one Disney Valentines Day card is also the equivalent of 18 pasture raised eggs. The cost of one Disney Valentines Day card could fill 2.5 bags of food at Food For Thought in Denver, which is 5 - 6 pounds of food for a food insecure family to have over the weekend.

Recently my brother told me that Jake Paul made $93 million dollars for his last fight, while Alex Harold made $500,000 to free climb the 11th tallest building in the world, and the tallest building in Taiwan. I think what we’re willing to pay for and how much we’re willing to pay is one of the greatest indications of where we are heading as a society.

Daily Musings

My body doesn’t believe it but my mind is trying to find reasons to make it true. Why?

——

So much has to get strong for you to get strong. I was doing barbell deadlifts today, a move I used to love and do all of the time, but have only recently got back into. I realized in order for my deadlift to improve my grip strength needs to improve, my rear deltoids and upper back needs to develop in a different kind of way that supports holding heavy weight. My breathing needs to improve. There are so many pieces that need to fall into place before my deadlift can really take off. It’s true of deadlifting, and it’s true of many other things as well. If something isn’t improving, think about what else needs to also improve to support it. 

——

I was thinking about getting a comprehensive blood test done at a functional medicine office, which is something I’ve done before. The price has come down, but it’s expensive, and so I was thinking how nice it would be if either a) the physicians office covered under my insurance I pay for did comprehensive testing, or b) I somehow got reimbursed, credited, or a tax break for paying out of pocket for tests that are out of my network. But we don’t, even though it helps my insurance carrier.

My brother was having bad GI problems for a few months. He went to the doctor and got a colonoscopy and endoscopy, and they couldn’t figure out what was wrong. So they suggested medication. Instead he ordered a food tolerance test from a company online. With a simple finger prick and a little bit of blood, they’re able to tell you foods that cause an immune system response in your body. He discovered that there were more than a handful of foods that he ate daily that did not agree with him. He cut them out of his diet and cured his issue.

No more tests or medication for his insurance carrier to pay for, but he had to pay out of pocket and go out of his way to do that. Imagine a world where what my brother did on his own was actually part of the healthcare system. How much money would we save, and how many lives would we improve?

——

Your mind is this tricky thing where it tries to convince you you don’t want to do things you actually want to do. Like last night as we were getting into bed I realized that we hadn’t done the dishes from dinner yet and the sink was full. I don’t like waking up to a dirty sink so I thought, I’ll clean those up. But immediately my brain put up a road block and said, no it’s late, go to bed. So I said to myself, I’ll just do them tomorrow, and left the kitchen. But that’s not what I wanted to do. I wanted to spend five minutes doing the dishes to make my morning just a little cleaner. 

So I went back and forth trying to decide if I would do them or not. My brain continuing to try and convince me not to do them. After a few minutes, I went and did the dishes. It’s such a weird thing that happens so often. My mind goes, let’s do this, and immediately another voice goes, noooo, you don’t want to do that. But the question I have is, why would I have thought it in the first place, if I don’t want to do it? It doesn’t make sense. 

——

I think we, myself included, shy away from changing our habits and trying new ways of doing things because we think we have to make a lifelong commitment to it. We like the way we do it now, even if it’s not the most efficient or pleasant, and we don’t know how the new thing is going to work or make us feel. So we retreat to the comfort of what we know and don’t change. But we can try something out, decide if we like it or not, and always go back to the old way of doing it. By agreeing to change, we don’t have to commit to change in ways we don’t like.

Staying present to protect the future

I’ve realized recently that my biggest stress comes from projecting how something happening right now is going to impact me in the future. My dog is a good clear example of that. He’ll be 14 in a couple of months, and lately he’s been going to the bathroom in the house more often than he goes outside. He suffers from a spinal disease that’s caused him to lose feeling in his hind parts. When he does go to the bathroom in the house, it’s not that act that annoys me, it’s the belief that it’s going to continue to happen more and more frequently, and were going to spend the last few years of his life, the next few years of our lives, cleaning up after him. It took me awhile to unpack that, but just knowing that has helped to calm me down when an accident happens and just deal with the present. And I know that whatever the future brings we will be ready for it.

But it’s not just my dog. It also happened to me recently in the days and weeks leading up to a big trip we were taking. Over the winter holidays we drove from Colorado to the northeast where both of our families live. Between driving back and forth, and time spent with family, I knew we were going to be on the road, away from our home, and out of our routines, for three long weeks. Just the thought of it was exhausting, and the more I thought about it the more I convinced myself I was going go be exhausted. Anticipating future exhaustion, I started doing things in the present to try and mitigate it.

I meal prepped double the amount of food for my dog than I normally would (we stopped giving our dog kibble a few months ago, and now cook him real food). I ran extra errands to buy extra supplies, supplements, and edibles, for our trip (more to pack, and I barely used any of the extras) and to be stocked up when we got back. I stressed over whether or not we should go on a planned ski trip the week before our road trip to celebrate my birthday. When we booked it a few months earlier it seemed like a good idea, but now with the trip looming it seemed like just one more thing that was going to wipe us out.

Everything I was doing to protect my future self, was draining me and making me miserable in the present. How I anticipate feeling in the future has a very real and negative impact on how I feel in the present, and I need to change that.

I’ve been trying to view each incident with my dog as a stand alone issue. I’ve been giving myself permission to let go of trying to control the future, reminding myself that there are no guarantees, regardless of how I act now. And by just doing those things, I’ve been better at alleviating the false stress of an uncertain future. There was a quote I thought of not too long ago that I thought was kind of clever.

“Being present requires accepting the uncertainty of the future.”

I know it’s not a behavior that will just change overnight, and I know that it will likely happen again, and again, and again, but hopefully each time less so, and hopefully I’ll be able to catch it a little earlier each time. I remind myself often that changing behaviors is a very difficult thing to do that takes time and repetition, but is perfectly doable.

Is this something that you struggle with? How does it impact your life? What have you done to try and mitigate it?

Direct your anger appropriately

I get a lot of slack for being really hard on the democrats, and really easy on the republicans, and most people assume it’s because I’m a republican. They also assume that republicans are to blame for all of the problems in this country. But for me to be mad at the republicans would be like growing up a Mets fan and being mad at the Atlanta Braves. I might be mad that they keep winning, but being mad at the Braves isn’t going to make the Mets a better team. Calling out all the things I hate about the Braves organization and their players, is not going to make the Mets better. And that’s how I feel about politics and political parties.

If I had to be a fan of one team it would be the democrats. Despite the fact that they seem to get nothing accomplished, I still agree with the ideologies they supposedly uphold. And I disagree with republicans on just about every issue. So if forced, I’d say I’m a democrat fan. But the problem is they suck and I can’t help but call it out and yell at them.

I’m mad at Donald Trump, Marco Rubio, Pete Hegseth, and every other person on his administration pushing forward this insane agenda that I vehemently disagree with, but it does nothing to make my party better. And lest we forget, the only reason that we are in this situation to begin with is because of the failures of the Democratic Party. Specifically doing two things this time around to get Donald Trump elected. One, standing in lock step with Israel’s relentless assault on the Palestinian people by repeatedly sending money and arms to support it, and vetoing every UN resolution to stop it. It’s hard to convince people you’re the party of ‘morals and integrity’ after that. 

Mistake number two was putting all their money, resources, and support into a candidate that was not up to the task. Not once, but twice. First with Joe Biden, who we all knew was incapable of running again, and probably shouldn’t have run the first time. Second, with Kamala Harris. A candidate who presidential campaign four years earlier failed so miserably that she pulled out before delegate votes were even cast. “Trump bad, we’re good” was only going to work the first time and not after what we all witnessed during the Biden/Harris years.

And so while I’m mad right now at the situation this country finds itself in, the question I keep asking myself is what are the democrats doing? What is there plan to win seats in the senate and the house to maybe take some power back? Do they have a plan? Are they thinking about a plan? Are they grooming someone to be the next democratic presidential nominee? Or are they just going to wing it like they’ve been doing for the last 12 years? What is the plan?

Because if there is no plan, and they throw out another hoard of candidates who are incapable of standing up to the republicans and winning, then you can’t be mad at the republicans. You need to be mad at your team and the stakeholders of that team and ask “what the fuck are you doing?” And even if they do win, you need to ask “what the fuck are you doing?” Because since the democrats showed their willingness to support and defend the destruction of Gaza, the reality is with democrats in charge life will only get better for some of us, and the rest of us will continue to suffer no matter who’s in charge. Improvement is only relative.   

Everyone fails

The Alamo Drafthouse creates a movie going experience we love so much that we signed up for their monthly movie plan. There aren’t enough good movies in a month worth seeing, but the experience is worth having a few times a month. But recently they shit the bed with their new QR code ordering system. It’s unclear why they decided to ‘digitize’ ordering in the theater, but my assumption is that it was a way to try and reduce cost. But it sucks.

Instead of ordering directly with your server they now want you to scan a QR code and place the order on your phone. Problem is that interacting with your server was one of the most enjoyable parts of going to their theaters. People that work at the theater tend to be young, happy, friendly, and ‘unique.’ I genuinely looked forward to that interaction. Now they want me to stare at my phone.

Second, even with the QR ordering system in place the server still needs to check tickets, but only now he/she/they also have to ask each person three additional questions: Have you been here since we implemented the QR ordering system? Do you know how to use it? Do you want to use the QR system or order through me? Such a waste of time, and most people I heard said they would prefer to order with the human. Us included.

Lastly, even if the above wasn’t true and I didn’t care about any of it, they put the QR code at the furthest point away on each persons table, in a spot that is not lit up. Which means once the previews start and the lights go dark your phone has a nearly impossible time picking up the code. Underneath the table, on the armrest there is a spot just above the cupholder that is lit up and would have been perfect. But somehow that got missed.

It’s a failure. I can’t imagine it’s being highly adopted by Alamo moviegoers as it turns what was once an enjoyable interaction and an opportunity to disconnect into just another reason why you have to be staring at your phone. The Alamo Drafthouse is still an awesome place to see a movie. Nobody puts together pre-movie media the way that they do, and the theater sets you back to a different era of movies. But as good as they are, they have failed at this new attempt. 

It just goes to show no matter who you are you’re going to stumble. Even if you’ve already experienced success there is going to be setbacks. But how you deal with those missteps is what matters. I’m curious to see what they do to rectify the experience. 

Incompetent or in on it?

I got a check from New York State for $150 as part of the state’s “ongoing battle to fight inflation.” One hundred fifty dollars, imagine that. It’s laughable and embarrassing that they think that for $150 we’re going to believe that they’re actually doing something to help people. My household is just my fiancee and I, and we can’t go to the grocery store without spending $100, and that doesn’t even include meat and fish which I buy separately. And we’re going to the grocery store 2 - 3 times per week. So where does $150 get someone really?

It’s crumbs compared to what the government pisses away on a daily basis. But crumbs for the people is the history of this country. Politicians hand out crumbs to shut people up, and we accept those crumbs as something being better than nothing, and forget what it is we have been fighting for.

The timing of this check is interesting because the hope of crumbs is what the Democrats accepted to end the government shut down. A lot of people are pissed off about it (watch Jon Stewarts excellent take). They think that they sold out the American people, but the reality is they never actually cared about the American people. If they did then we wouldn’t be in a position as a country where food insecurity persists, and millions of people remain without health insurance, and millions more can barely afford the insurance they do have.

If they cared, they would have shored up those basic rights years ago when they were in control, the way Republicans are now in control. Everyone on the left wants to blame the right for the lack of progress in this country, but I blame the left. They too have controlled all branches of government multiple times in the last 50 years and yet they have never accomplished any of the things they have promised. Always instead blaming the republicans for holding up their agenda. And yet when the Republicans take control, they seem to to get done what they want.

So which one is it? Is the right blocking their agenda? Is the left too incompetent to get anything done? Or do they just not actually give a shit as long as they’re able to stay in power? I think a $150 check to fight inflation is all you need to know to figure out the answer.

RFK Jr can’t MAHA if he doesn’t fight to feed America

The thing I’m most curious about is what is RFK Jr and his MAHA movement doing right now while the government has stopped funding SNAP. Food is the most essential part of good health and yet the administration that brought you Make America Healthy Again is openly and freely taking food off the table of millions of Americans in order to squeeze the Democrats into accepting their budget terms which include cutting funding to subsidized health insurance.

I can’t say that I didn’t expect this from the Trump administration, but I will admit I was fooled by RFK Jr. I actually believed that he understood what it would take to make American’s healthier and I actually believed that he would put up a fight to make it happen. Instead all I’ve read about him is that he’s working on removing some dyes from processed food while still allowing the trash that is processed food to be manufactured and sold, he’s revised the vaccine schedule, and now he’s on a crusade to change the perception of saturated fats.

Maybe all of those things hold a place in getting American’s healthy, but none of them matter at all if people don’t have food to eat, and affordable (should be free) health insurance to not only take care of them when they fall ill but make sure that they don’t go into bankruptcy at the same time (the stress of which creates a whole new set of illness). But it’s clear that RFK Jr., Donald Trump, and anyone else in the administration is not actually concerned about it.

I’ve been thinking recently about how it just takes one bold person, and a few bold people that are willing to go out on a limb to support him/her to make change, and yet it seems that at every turn we have nothing but cowards and selfishly greedy people directing the future. Mamdani is an example of someone who is bold and who is willing to put himself out there. Like him or not he stood firm in the face of adversity, stuck to his beliefs, and won. The fact that he won so easily when both the right and the left were so adamant he can’t win says a lot.

It says that people are waking up to the fact that none of the career politicians have our best interests at heart. They are only interested in doing the bare minimum to get re-elected, maintain power, and continue to line their pockets. But the more they squeeze the every day person the more the every day people are going to come together and seek real genuine change like Mamdani is offering NYC. While the current administration is cutting off FOOD benefits to millions, the majority of people in NYC voted for the guy who wants to open government funded grocery stores.

It’s clear what the people want and perhaps the people are finally starting to realize they hold the power and the only way they’ll secure their future is by coming together and voting for something new.

It blows my mind how our government lets people go hungry

It's unfathomable to think we live in a country where there are organizations fighting to end hunger while our government is simultaneously starving people. We all support organizations fighting to feed people while pretending it's ok that millions of people in this country fail to get their daily nourishment, and that it’s normal that this responsibility falls on the shoulders of everyone but the organization we pay trillions in dollars to. The government.

It blows my mind how easily we all turn a blind eye and pretend like its ok. Like all the money spent on wars, destruction, and to further line peoples pockets instead of helping people is just the way it is. Why? Why do we pretend like it is? Why do we pretend like it's just the way it has to be.

I read a few articles about Zohran Mamdani and his ideas for NYC. I didn't think any of them were crazy. Raising the minimum wage to something livable, where people would only have to work one job to have a life. Funding groceries stores with tax dollars so everyone can eat. Freezing rents for people living in rent controlled apartments. All these things to help the people that are struggling and the response I read from the people who's taxes would increase is I'm going to leave the city. Businesses whose taxes would increase are going to leave the city.

Rather than being part of something historic, and helping to pick people up, people and businesses are like no we're just going to leave, and then what will you do? How unwell do you have to be for that to be your stance? You're a millionaire, a billionaire, and rather than fork some more money into the pot you want to leave to prove a point.

People are sometimes shitty, but people are waking up to that realization. As the divide grows bigger so does the number of people who are struggling and who are realizing that they have to band together to protect themselves by electing people who will fight for regulations that serve them. That they need to stop pretending like living in the richest country in the world and not having anything to eat or anywhere to live is ok.

That's what the election of a Democratic Socialist in New York City says, and that's what the overwhelming support of propositions in Colorado to support free school meals for kids k-12 says. That we're sick and tired and we won’t stand for it any more.

1 percent rejoice, 99 percent starve

Two headlines appeared in my news feed today. The stock market hit all time highs, while the most vulnerable portion of our population is in danger of losing their food benefits. How could those two things be true at the same time? How could a small but powerful percentage of our population be celebrating, while the large and vulnerable percentage of our population is no doubt riddled with fear and anxiety? What does that say about the direction, or current state, of our country?

I read the other day that 50 percent of the spending in this country is from 10 percent of the population. Let that sink in. How sustainable of a situation is that when 10 percent of the population is propping up the economy? What could possibly go wrong?

On my local ballot for this election period is two questions. One, do you agree to let the state keep excess tax collected above projections to pay for food for children in the upcoming year. Two, do you agree we should raise taxes on households making more than $300,000 to fund food for children in the years to come? And I'm torn on the second one.

While I want every kid in this state, in every state across the country and the world, to have all their meals for free, I struggle with the idea of raising taxes to pay for it when I know how misallocated billions and trillions of tax dollars already are. Funding foreign wars in the last 2 – 3 years alone has cost of over $250 billion as a nation. The proposal to bail out Argentina could cost us another $30 billion.

We already have the money to feed everyone in this country but time and time again we choose not to, and instead fund destructive wars, or provide aid to everyone but our own. And every year its a question of whether or not we can pay for safety net program like SNAP, like Medicaid.

So how do I continue to vote to raise taxes when I know that at some point down the line, even if this ballot measure passes and funds school meals for now, it will eventually be used for something malevolent. It's a shitty and maddening position to be in. And they know that. That's why the opposition to the measure isn't to reallocate funds away from wars and corporate greed. The opposition is: taxes bad.

And I agree, new taxes are bad. But in this case not providing meals to children is far worse and I figure I'll let someone else figure out why we're pissing our money away to foreign countries for purposes of destruction and corruption instead of actually helping them. And in the interim I'll vote yes to raise taxes and feed children.

Warming Back Up…

After almost 10 days of backpacking and camping I’m finally getting back into my routines. I found it extremely difficult to write consistently and have complete thoughts while I was moving around and out of my element. These undeveloped thoughts are proof my brain is trying to settle back in…

“I don’t think there’s ever a right time to do something, but I do think there is a wrong time.”

Being Different

It’s really hard to do something different when everyone around you acts as one. You feel like what you want to do must be wrong, because if it wasn’t, everyone else would be doing it too. So it creates doubt in your mind, and gives credence to the resistance. Push on anyway. Believe that you’ll make believers of the doubters, and leave behind the resistors.

Try Something New

There isn’t one thing in this world that you can’t get better at through repetition. Even if you’re not trying to improve, the mere act of performing a task over and over will yield better results each time. Just by practicing, you’ll be better than before. It doesn’t mean you’ll be the greatest, world renowned, or the subject matter expert in your field, but you can improve just by trying. The only reason we’re not any good at something is because we haven’t tried enough. We tried, got poor results or feedback, and stopped. The only reason we’re scared of trying something new is because we’ve never done it before. New equals change, which equals scary. But think back to something that you had to do, even though maybe you didn’t want to. Like starting a new job or getting promoted into a new role. Moving somewhere new and unfamiliar. The first time you showed up for a class. Then think about how over time, with repetition, all of those things got easier, and you forgot about the anxiety and resistance you felt. Repetition gives way to confidence, and confidence washes away anxiety.

Everybody has some arena in their life where they’re comfortable throwing caution to the wind and trying something new. For me, it’s exercise. I’ve been exercising for over 20 years, so when a new physical challenge presents itself, I have zero hesitation in throwing myself into the fire. Two decades of experience has made it easy for me to take chances, and given me the confidence to know that I can and will perform. For my fiancee, it’s anything that has to do with gardening, growing vegetables and flowers. She’s been at it for 30 years, so she has no hesitation in planting something here, just to move it over there. Or seeding something she’s never grown before. Or planting something just because there was an empty spot. Three decades of experience has given her the confidence to know that she’ll figure it out, and the insight to know that even if she doesn’t, life goes on. The key is to trick yourself into carrying that mindset into unfamiliar ground, when trying something new that feels uncomfortable. To somehow look back on the beginning of your journey, whether that’s exercise for me or growing for Jen, and remember that at one time that was new and scary, and now it’s the thing you love.

Create A Mess

To make something beautiful in life requires a willingness to make a mess. And I think cooking provides the best example of this. If you’ve ever tried to cook while keeping a clean kitchen, then you know what an impossible and unfulfilling task that is. I cooked that way for many years before finally surrendering to the mess, and I’ve tried to carry that same surrender into other parts of my life. Surrendering required understanding that a mess was unavoidable, knowing that I could clean it up, and a belief that, despite what it looks like, something worthwhile would come out of the other side.

Rest When You’re Tired

As a society there’s a taboo around being tired. You’re not allowed. That’s one of the reasons why drinking is so popular. So many times I’ve heard people say, “I’ll rally once I start drinking,” or “I’ll be fine once I have a drink.” That’s why drugs and energy drinks are so popular, because the feeling of being tired is unacceptable in our culture, and looked down upon, and is therefore met with aggressive resistance. Meanwhile, the only thing that cures tired is good sleep, and anything else, like drinking, drugs, energy drinks, and caffeine, just prevent good sleep and further deepen the hole, creating the desire to reach for more drinks, drugs, energy, and caffeine. It’s ok to have a long day, a long week, a tough month, and just be tired. Tired is not a form of weakness, something to hide from, or put a mask on, or be ashamed of. We all feel tired from time to time. And when we’re tired, we should just be tired, and get some rest.

Space and Reflection

Going away is important because it’s the only time I remember all of the things I’ve been meaning to do. As the trip gets closer, everything comes rushing back to me. I didn’t hang the heart or the mermaid, or the tree lights in the basement. I didn’t set up the soaker hose. I didn’t book a campsite for our trip next week. As the prospect of getting away creates space in my mind, things that were buried away coming charging to the surface.

I also start reflecting more. Reflecting on my relationships. What’s going well? What can be better? How can I improve? Reflecting on my place in the universe. What’s going well? What can be better? How can I improve? That’s the real luxury of getting away and escaping the daily grind. It’s not the fancy hotel on the beach, or the one of a kind rental in the heart of the city. It’s not the all you can eat buffet, or the street food market. It’s not the sun, or the shopping, or any of that stuff. Although those things can all be nice. The value is in a trip’s ability to create space for new thoughts. That’s the luxury.

It’s doesn’t matter how happy I am, or how well I think my life is going. The moment I start preparing to go away, a more accurate picture of my life starts to appear. Things I’m doing that I don’t want to be doing. Things I’m not doing that I do want to be doing. Things I want to do more of. Things I want to be paying attention to but I keep getting distracted from.

Reflection is really important, but it’s really hard to do when you’re knee deep in it, day in and day out, without a break. Reflection requires being able to step away for a moment, or moments, in time. And if you don’t have that ability, or access to that space, then it can be a very hard place to be. And I can’t help but think that that has played a major role in the decline of mental and physical health in this country. Most people are grinding away just to keep their heads above water, and never get that time to ask, “What’s going well? What isn’t?”