Daily Musings

One of the hardest things about changing is admitting that you were wrong or that you believed something to be true that was wrong. 

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Support animals versus real animals. 

When we got to Steamboat Springs this past week our room wasn’t ready, so we decided to go to lunch while we waited. The receptionist at the hotel made a point to tell us about a specific restaurant because they allowed dogs, and most restaurants don’t. We took the advice and walked the few blocks to the restaurant, dragging our 14 year old blue heeler behind us. 

When we got there I immediately got the feeling that it wasn’t going to go well. The restaurant was busy and small. So before walking in with our dog, I told my fiancé to wait outside while I went in to check on a table. 

I told the host I was 2 with a dog, to which he replied, “O I can’t have dogs in here.” I explained to him that our hotel receptionist told us specifically to come here because they do allow dogs. He replied, “only in the summer, out on the patio.” Of course they didn’t allow dogs inside. I don’t know of any restaurants that do. It made sense, so I didn’t argue.

But we were hungry and unsure what to do, and since our room wasn’t ready yet we needed to find a place for our dog to wait while we ate. So I ran back to the hotel, grabbed our truck, and drove back to the restaurant so our dog could wait in the parking lot.

I got back to the restaurant, told the host we were back, without our dog, and he said to wait, that a couple of two tops were just getting up. Waiting with us was one another person who was waiting for his friend to show up. The waiting area was a small vestibule with barely enough room to fit a few chairs, and the walls had dollar bills stapled to them with notes written on them from past patrons.

When the other guy’s friend show up he wasn’t alone. He had his best friend with him. A little 20 lb hound on a purple harness. She wandered all over the vestibule, smelled every corner, and I thought to myself “I thought you can’t have dogs in here. I guess he hasn’t spoken to the host yet.” I was going to say something to save him the hassle of having to find a place for his dog to wait, but I thought better of it and stopped myself.

The host came back and waved them towards their table, but at the last moment he spotted the dog and stopped. He looked down at the dog and asked “Service animal?”

“Yea. Service animal.”

“Ok, right this way.”

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I’ve always thought about how borders keep people out of countries, and especially with what’s going on now I feel like not a day goes by that I’m don’t think about how arbitrary and detrimental they are. But for the first time the other day I started thinking about how they also do the opposite job. They keep people in. 

I’m a U.S. citizen, which in today’s world is the luckiest type of citizen you can be. But being a U.S. citizen, any citizen of any country, means in order to live anywhere else, I need to be accepted by another country to live within their borders. It means that even if I do move to another country and keep my U.S. citizenship I still have to pay U.S. taxes. It means that I have to abide by U.S. travel and visa rules when I leave the country. It means I’m paid in U.S. currency. It means if I commit a crime and flee the country that I’ll likely get sent back here. 

The system is setup to keep people out, but also to keep people in and ensure that the country can count on the body.

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I walked into a gas station convenience store and the attendant said “Hola.” I said hello, and then quickly corrected myself and said “hola, como estas?” When I cashed out she asked me if I was ready (Listo?) and read the amount I owed (diez y ocho vente nueve) all in Spanish, and I replied in Spanish the best I could.

I must’ve tricked her into thinking I could really hold a conversation because as I turned to leave she said something off the cuff and then laughed really hard. She spoke so fast and it was so unexpected that my brain couldn’t comprehend and translate quick enough. But instead of asking her to repeat herself, I just laughed and moved quickly towards the door hoping a hearty laugh was the right response.

But the next day my fiancée and I went back in for some drinks and the same lady looked at me and said, “hello.” She knew I was a fraud.

I left feeling disappointed for not being able to hold a conversation in Spanish, something that I’ve strived for all of my adult life. Knowing enough Spanish to at least communicate in times like that has always been my goal that I’ve only ever reached intermittently. So I started to think about why? The answer was simple. Because I don’t make time to learn and keep up with Spanish.

Instead I wait until I’m in a situation, like this one, by which time it is too late. So I started to think how could I learn Spanish and maintain what I know without it feeling overwhelming? It turns out to be the same answer as anything else.

I like to be in shape and healthy, so I exercise every day. I like to learn and feed my brain so I read every day. I like to have mental clarity and process my thoughts so I read every day. I like learning new cooking techniques and making dishes so I cook every day. If I want to learn and keep up with my Spanish I need to do a little bit every day.

It’s hard because with something like Spanish it’s easy to default to I just can’t do it. It’s a foreign language. It’s hard. What’s the best way to learn? But the reality is it’s no different than any other skill. The only way to improve is to practice every day. And so I plan on practicing every day the same way I do every other discipline I find important in my life.

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Spotify is the newest non-social media platform to introduce social media-esque features. Under podcasts users are now able to leave comments. It’s just one more place now where people can “engage.” Every time I see another platform trying to be come more “engaging” I wonder, does it actually encourage more people to engage who would have not otherwise engaged? Or is it just another place for the same people to “engage” more?

Specifically with comments I wonder, are more people in the world going to participate in commenting because it feels better to comment on Spotify (in this example) than somewhere else? Or is it just one more place for the same people to share their same opinions and waste even more of their time? Unfortunately I feel like it’s the latter.

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I think a lot of life is thinking that we have no time when really we have all the time we need. It feels like this clip from Austin Powers. Like the steamroller is barreling ahead, and there is just not enough time to get out of the way. Our sense of panic at impending doom stops us in our tracks fearing for our life instead of calmly moving out of the way.

It can feel like everything is always quickly closing in on us, when in reality we have plenty of time to move. We have this feeling like the walls are closing in and we need to rush, but if we take a breath and focus on what we’re doing we realize we have enough time to get it done.

This thought comes to my mind every time I’m on a chairlift and I decide to do something crazy like take my phone out when the chairlift tower is approaching. It always feels like I’m not going to have enough time to get my phone back in my pocket, put my gloves back on, lift the guard rail, grab my ski poles from under my leg, and depart the chairlift without falling and causing the chairlift to stop. And for a moment I sit in panic as I watch that fumbling scene unfold. But then I refocus, and one item at a time get ready to depart the lift. And I always have enough time. I think a lot of life is like that.

I think if we could see life like an approaching chair lift we’d realize that while it seems like the ride is coming to a rapid end and we need to rush to be ready, that we actually have way more time than we need. Yes life is short, but we have time. Time to think, to observe, to plan, to enjoy, to love, to support, and to embrace. There is time for everything. We have time for everything if we’re willing to focus and get one thing done at a time.

Thoughts for a new political system

Why do we vote for a candidate and not the issues? Why am I forced to vote for a candidate who I like for one reason but disagree with on another? Why do I have to vote for someone who will best ‘represent’ my interests, instead of voting for the best person to implement my interests? Why do we still exist in this antiquated system of representation when we have the capability to vote on every issue?

For years I’ve been party to the idea that we need more political parties. That in the current two party system a lot of voters, like myself, get left out in the cold. There has never been, and never will be, a candidate who accurately represents the needs of the nation. The belief has always been that if there were more parties, there would be more representation, and create more competition and balance amongst the parties. But I don’t see it that way at all anymore. In fact, I think there should be no political parties.

There should no parties. Citizens should vote for two things. The top 10 issues we want our government to address, and the most capable people to get those 10 items accomplished. Every four years we would all vote to determine if anything new needs to be prioritized or added to the list, and vote whether to keep the current politicians in office, assuming they’ve done a good job, or replace them with new candidates. And of course all positions would be subject to limits on their tenure. Politicians will still have the power to make decisions, act autonomously, and to make deals with other countries, companies, etc… but only as it relates to advancing the 10 things the nation voted for.

Because right now there are a number of issues that the majority of Americans agree on, like universal healthcare and childcare, like reducing the deficit, like ending the practice of unprovoked wars, but there is no one candidate that will focus on what the majority want, not as long as they are considered ‘representatives’ rather than implementers. As a representative it is inevitable that they will stray from the will of the people and make deals based on what serves them. 

So rather than seeing progress around the issues we all agree on as a nation, we’re forced to sacrifice our needs by choosing a candidate who is the closest to what we want. But it never works.  Do we want to vote for a republican because they’ll lower taxes? Or do we want to vote for a democrat because they’re trying to pass universal healthcare? I want both, but I can only get a candidate who represents one. Forcing me to choose and forcing us to remain divided.

This idea for a new political system, a vision for whaat democracy actually looks like, would eliminate that problem and serve the interests of the citizens, allowing us to unite around the common issues the majority of us face and want resolved.

Daily Musings

We instinctively think that age is the determining factor when it comes to maturity and wisdom, but it’s really experience. Two 40 year old people. Both married with kids. Both work full time. One never went to college. Never left the country. Never left their hometown. Never left the house they grew up in. The other got their bachelors, and then their masters, at two different schools, in two different states. Lived abroad for a few years. Then relocated 2,000 miles away from where they grew up. Both 40 years along in their journey, but with vastly different ideas of what shapes the world. 

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I went to target today to buy reusable bags to store my dogs food in. They didn’t have what I wanted, but I found a really cute valentines day card for my fiancé. It had Winnie the Pooh on the front holding a jar of honey, and on the inside it said you make everything sweeter. I scanned the card at self checkout and was stopped in my tracks when I saw the card was $12.99. I called an employee over and asked him to remove it. I said I couldn’t pay $12 for a card. That’s insane. He flipped it over, pointed to the Disney logo and said, that’s why.

That night I was debating going to see a screening at The First Unitarian Society in Denver of the documentary Put Your Soul On Your Hand and Walk. I wanted to support the movie, but, for various reasons, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go to the Unitarian Society that night to watch it. So I checked if the movie was streaming anywhere. Sure enough I could rent it for $5.99 or buy it for $12.99.

For $12.99 I could own an award winning documentary and important piece of investigative journalism, or one Disney Valentines Day card. How we value goods and services, and what we are willing to pay for them, always amazes me. The cost of one Disney Valentines Day card is also the equivalent of 18 pasture raised eggs. The cost of one Disney Valentines Day card could fill 2.5 bags of food at Food For Thought in Denver, which is 5 - 6 pounds of food for a food insecure family to have over the weekend.

Recently my brother told me that Jake Paul made $93 million dollars for his last fight, while Alex Harold made $500,000 to free climb the 11th tallest building in the world, and the tallest building in Taiwan. I think what we’re willing to pay for and how much we’re willing to pay is one of the greatest indications of where we are heading as a society.

Daily Musings

My body doesn’t believe it but my mind is trying to find reasons to make it true. Why?

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So much has to get strong for you to get strong. I was doing barbell deadlifts today, a move I used to love and do all of the time, but have only recently got back into. I realized in order for my deadlift to improve my grip strength needs to improve, my rear deltoids and upper back needs to develop in a different kind of way that supports holding heavy weight. My breathing needs to improve. There are so many pieces that need to fall into place before my deadlift can really take off. It’s true of deadlifting, and it’s true of many other things as well. If something isn’t improving, think about what else needs to also improve to support it. 

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I was thinking about getting a comprehensive blood test done at a functional medicine office, which is something I’ve done before. The price has come down, but it’s expensive, and so I was thinking how nice it would be if either a) the physicians office covered under my insurance I pay for did comprehensive testing, or b) I somehow got reimbursed, credited, or a tax break for paying out of pocket for tests that are out of my network. But we don’t, even though it helps my insurance carrier.

My brother was having bad GI problems for a few months. He went to the doctor and got a colonoscopy and endoscopy, and they couldn’t figure out what was wrong. So they suggested medication. Instead he ordered a food tolerance test from a company online. With a simple finger prick and a little bit of blood, they’re able to tell you foods that cause an immune system response in your body. He discovered that there were more than a handful of foods that he ate daily that did not agree with him. He cut them out of his diet and cured his issue.

No more tests or medication for his insurance carrier to pay for, but he had to pay out of pocket and go out of his way to do that. Imagine a world where what my brother did on his own was actually part of the healthcare system. How much money would we save, and how many lives would we improve?

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Your mind is this tricky thing where it tries to convince you you don’t want to do things you actually want to do. Like last night as we were getting into bed I realized that we hadn’t done the dishes from dinner yet and the sink was full. I don’t like waking up to a dirty sink so I thought, I’ll clean those up. But immediately my brain put up a road block and said, no it’s late, go to bed. So I said to myself, I’ll just do them tomorrow, and left the kitchen. But that’s not what I wanted to do. I wanted to spend five minutes doing the dishes to make my morning just a little cleaner. 

So I went back and forth trying to decide if I would do them or not. My brain continuing to try and convince me not to do them. After a few minutes, I went and did the dishes. It’s such a weird thing that happens so often. My mind goes, let’s do this, and immediately another voice goes, noooo, you don’t want to do that. But the question I have is, why would I have thought it in the first place, if I don’t want to do it? It doesn’t make sense. 

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I think we, myself included, shy away from changing our habits and trying new ways of doing things because we think we have to make a lifelong commitment to it. We like the way we do it now, even if it’s not the most efficient or pleasant, and we don’t know how the new thing is going to work or make us feel. So we retreat to the comfort of what we know and don’t change. But we can try something out, decide if we like it or not, and always go back to the old way of doing it. By agreeing to change, we don’t have to commit to change in ways we don’t like.

Staying present to protect the future

I’ve realized recently that my biggest stress comes from projecting how something happening right now is going to impact me in the future. My dog is a good clear example of that. He’ll be 14 in a couple of months, and lately he’s been going to the bathroom in the house more often than he goes outside. He suffers from a spinal disease that’s caused him to lose feeling in his hind parts. When he does go to the bathroom in the house, it’s not that act that annoys me, it’s the belief that it’s going to continue to happen more and more frequently, and were going to spend the last few years of his life, the next few years of our lives, cleaning up after him. It took me awhile to unpack that, but just knowing that has helped to calm me down when an accident happens and just deal with the present. And I know that whatever the future brings we will be ready for it.

But it’s not just my dog. It also happened to me recently in the days and weeks leading up to a big trip we were taking. Over the winter holidays we drove from Colorado to the northeast where both of our families live. Between driving back and forth, and time spent with family, I knew we were going to be on the road, away from our home, and out of our routines, for three long weeks. Just the thought of it was exhausting, and the more I thought about it the more I convinced myself I was going go be exhausted. Anticipating future exhaustion, I started doing things in the present to try and mitigate it.

I meal prepped double the amount of food for my dog than I normally would (we stopped giving our dog kibble a few months ago, and now cook him real food). I ran extra errands to buy extra supplies, supplements, and edibles, for our trip (more to pack, and I barely used any of the extras) and to be stocked up when we got back. I stressed over whether or not we should go on a planned ski trip the week before our road trip to celebrate my birthday. When we booked it a few months earlier it seemed like a good idea, but now with the trip looming it seemed like just one more thing that was going to wipe us out.

Everything I was doing to protect my future self, was draining me and making me miserable in the present. How I anticipate feeling in the future has a very real and negative impact on how I feel in the present, and I need to change that.

I’ve been trying to view each incident with my dog as a stand alone issue. I’ve been giving myself permission to let go of trying to control the future, reminding myself that there are no guarantees, regardless of how I act now. And by just doing those things, I’ve been better at alleviating the false stress of an uncertain future. There was a quote I thought of not too long ago that I thought was kind of clever.

“Being present requires accepting the uncertainty of the future.”

I know it’s not a behavior that will just change overnight, and I know that it will likely happen again, and again, and again, but hopefully each time less so, and hopefully I’ll be able to catch it a little earlier each time. I remind myself often that changing behaviors is a very difficult thing to do that takes time and repetition, but is perfectly doable.

Is this something that you struggle with? How does it impact your life? What have you done to try and mitigate it?

Direct your anger appropriately

I get a lot of slack for being really hard on the democrats, and really easy on the republicans, and most people assume it’s because I’m a republican. They also assume that republicans are to blame for all of the problems in this country. But for me to be mad at the republicans would be like growing up a Mets fan and being mad at the Atlanta Braves. I might be mad that they keep winning, but being mad at the Braves isn’t going to make the Mets a better team. Calling out all the things I hate about the Braves organization and their players, is not going to make the Mets better. And that’s how I feel about politics and political parties.

If I had to be a fan of one team it would be the democrats. Despite the fact that they seem to get nothing accomplished, I still agree with the ideologies they supposedly uphold. And I disagree with republicans on just about every issue. So if forced, I’d say I’m a democrat fan. But the problem is they suck and I can’t help but call it out and yell at them.

I’m mad at Donald Trump, Marco Rubio, Pete Hegseth, and every other person on his administration pushing forward this insane agenda that I vehemently disagree with, but it does nothing to make my party better. And lest we forget, the only reason that we are in this situation to begin with is because of the failures of the Democratic Party. Specifically doing two things this time around to get Donald Trump elected. One, standing in lock step with Israel’s relentless assault on the Palestinian people by repeatedly sending money and arms to support it, and vetoing every UN resolution to stop it. It’s hard to convince people you’re the party of ‘morals and integrity’ after that. 

Mistake number two was putting all their money, resources, and support into a candidate that was not up to the task. Not once, but twice. First with Joe Biden, who we all knew was incapable of running again, and probably shouldn’t have run the first time. Second, with Kamala Harris. A candidate who presidential campaign four years earlier failed so miserably that she pulled out before delegate votes were even cast. “Trump bad, we’re good” was only going to work the first time and not after what we all witnessed during the Biden/Harris years.

And so while I’m mad right now at the situation this country finds itself in, the question I keep asking myself is what are the democrats doing? What is there plan to win seats in the senate and the house to maybe take some power back? Do they have a plan? Are they thinking about a plan? Are they grooming someone to be the next democratic presidential nominee? Or are they just going to wing it like they’ve been doing for the last 12 years? What is the plan?

Because if there is no plan, and they throw out another hoard of candidates who are incapable of standing up to the republicans and winning, then you can’t be mad at the republicans. You need to be mad at your team and the stakeholders of that team and ask “what the fuck are you doing?” And even if they do win, you need to ask “what the fuck are you doing?” Because since the democrats showed their willingness to support and defend the destruction of Gaza, the reality is with democrats in charge life will only get better for some of us, and the rest of us will continue to suffer no matter who’s in charge. Improvement is only relative.   

Everyone fails

The Alamo Drafthouse creates a movie going experience we love so much that we signed up for their monthly movie plan. There aren’t enough good movies in a month worth seeing, but the experience is worth having a few times a month. But recently they shit the bed with their new QR code ordering system. It’s unclear why they decided to ‘digitize’ ordering in the theater, but my assumption is that it was a way to try and reduce cost. But it sucks.

Instead of ordering directly with your server they now want you to scan a QR code and place the order on your phone. Problem is that interacting with your server was one of the most enjoyable parts of going to their theaters. People that work at the theater tend to be young, happy, friendly, and ‘unique.’ I genuinely looked forward to that interaction. Now they want me to stare at my phone.

Second, even with the QR ordering system in place the server still needs to check tickets, but only now he/she/they also have to ask each person three additional questions: Have you been here since we implemented the QR ordering system? Do you know how to use it? Do you want to use the QR system or order through me? Such a waste of time, and most people I heard said they would prefer to order with the human. Us included.

Lastly, even if the above wasn’t true and I didn’t care about any of it, they put the QR code at the furthest point away on each persons table, in a spot that is not lit up. Which means once the previews start and the lights go dark your phone has a nearly impossible time picking up the code. Underneath the table, on the armrest there is a spot just above the cupholder that is lit up and would have been perfect. But somehow that got missed.

It’s a failure. I can’t imagine it’s being highly adopted by Alamo moviegoers as it turns what was once an enjoyable interaction and an opportunity to disconnect into just another reason why you have to be staring at your phone. The Alamo Drafthouse is still an awesome place to see a movie. Nobody puts together pre-movie media the way that they do, and the theater sets you back to a different era of movies. But as good as they are, they have failed at this new attempt. 

It just goes to show no matter who you are you’re going to stumble. Even if you’ve already experienced success there is going to be setbacks. But how you deal with those missteps is what matters. I’m curious to see what they do to rectify the experience. 

Incompetent or in on it?

I got a check from New York State for $150 as part of the state’s “ongoing battle to fight inflation.” One hundred fifty dollars, imagine that. It’s laughable and embarrassing that they think that for $150 we’re going to believe that they’re actually doing something to help people. My household is just my fiancee and I, and we can’t go to the grocery store without spending $100, and that doesn’t even include meat and fish which I buy separately. And we’re going to the grocery store 2 - 3 times per week. So where does $150 get someone really?

It’s crumbs compared to what the government pisses away on a daily basis. But crumbs for the people is the history of this country. Politicians hand out crumbs to shut people up, and we accept those crumbs as something being better than nothing, and forget what it is we have been fighting for.

The timing of this check is interesting because the hope of crumbs is what the Democrats accepted to end the government shut down. A lot of people are pissed off about it (watch Jon Stewarts excellent take). They think that they sold out the American people, but the reality is they never actually cared about the American people. If they did then we wouldn’t be in a position as a country where food insecurity persists, and millions of people remain without health insurance, and millions more can barely afford the insurance they do have.

If they cared, they would have shored up those basic rights years ago when they were in control, the way Republicans are now in control. Everyone on the left wants to blame the right for the lack of progress in this country, but I blame the left. They too have controlled all branches of government multiple times in the last 50 years and yet they have never accomplished any of the things they have promised. Always instead blaming the republicans for holding up their agenda. And yet when the Republicans take control, they seem to to get done what they want.

So which one is it? Is the right blocking their agenda? Is the left too incompetent to get anything done? Or do they just not actually give a shit as long as they’re able to stay in power? I think a $150 check to fight inflation is all you need to know to figure out the answer.

RFK Jr can’t MAHA if he doesn’t fight to feed America

The thing I’m most curious about is what is RFK Jr and his MAHA movement doing right now while the government has stopped funding SNAP. Food is the most essential part of good health and yet the administration that brought you Make America Healthy Again is openly and freely taking food off the table of millions of Americans in order to squeeze the Democrats into accepting their budget terms which include cutting funding to subsidized health insurance.

I can’t say that I didn’t expect this from the Trump administration, but I will admit I was fooled by RFK Jr. I actually believed that he understood what it would take to make American’s healthier and I actually believed that he would put up a fight to make it happen. Instead all I’ve read about him is that he’s working on removing some dyes from processed food while still allowing the trash that is processed food to be manufactured and sold, he’s revised the vaccine schedule, and now he’s on a crusade to change the perception of saturated fats.

Maybe all of those things hold a place in getting American’s healthy, but none of them matter at all if people don’t have food to eat, and affordable (should be free) health insurance to not only take care of them when they fall ill but make sure that they don’t go into bankruptcy at the same time (the stress of which creates a whole new set of illness). But it’s clear that RFK Jr., Donald Trump, and anyone else in the administration is not actually concerned about it.

I’ve been thinking recently about how it just takes one bold person, and a few bold people that are willing to go out on a limb to support him/her to make change, and yet it seems that at every turn we have nothing but cowards and selfishly greedy people directing the future. Mamdani is an example of someone who is bold and who is willing to put himself out there. Like him or not he stood firm in the face of adversity, stuck to his beliefs, and won. The fact that he won so easily when both the right and the left were so adamant he can’t win says a lot.

It says that people are waking up to the fact that none of the career politicians have our best interests at heart. They are only interested in doing the bare minimum to get re-elected, maintain power, and continue to line their pockets. But the more they squeeze the every day person the more the every day people are going to come together and seek real genuine change like Mamdani is offering NYC. While the current administration is cutting off FOOD benefits to millions, the majority of people in NYC voted for the guy who wants to open government funded grocery stores.

It’s clear what the people want and perhaps the people are finally starting to realize they hold the power and the only way they’ll secure their future is by coming together and voting for something new.

It blows my mind how our government lets people go hungry

It's unfathomable to think we live in a country where there are organizations fighting to end hunger while our government is simultaneously starving people. We all support organizations fighting to feed people while pretending it's ok that millions of people in this country fail to get their daily nourishment, and that it’s normal that this responsibility falls on the shoulders of everyone but the organization we pay trillions in dollars to. The government.

It blows my mind how easily we all turn a blind eye and pretend like its ok. Like all the money spent on wars, destruction, and to further line peoples pockets instead of helping people is just the way it is. Why? Why do we pretend like it is? Why do we pretend like it's just the way it has to be.

I read a few articles about Zohran Mamdani and his ideas for NYC. I didn't think any of them were crazy. Raising the minimum wage to something livable, where people would only have to work one job to have a life. Funding groceries stores with tax dollars so everyone can eat. Freezing rents for people living in rent controlled apartments. All these things to help the people that are struggling and the response I read from the people who's taxes would increase is I'm going to leave the city. Businesses whose taxes would increase are going to leave the city.

Rather than being part of something historic, and helping to pick people up, people and businesses are like no we're just going to leave, and then what will you do? How unwell do you have to be for that to be your stance? You're a millionaire, a billionaire, and rather than fork some more money into the pot you want to leave to prove a point.

People are sometimes shitty, but people are waking up to that realization. As the divide grows bigger so does the number of people who are struggling and who are realizing that they have to band together to protect themselves by electing people who will fight for regulations that serve them. That they need to stop pretending like living in the richest country in the world and not having anything to eat or anywhere to live is ok.

That's what the election of a Democratic Socialist in New York City says, and that's what the overwhelming support of propositions in Colorado to support free school meals for kids k-12 says. That we're sick and tired and we won’t stand for it any more.

1 percent rejoice, 99 percent starve

Two headlines appeared in my news feed today. The stock market hit all time highs, while the most vulnerable portion of our population is in danger of losing their food benefits. How could those two things be true at the same time? How could a small but powerful percentage of our population be celebrating, while the large and vulnerable percentage of our population is no doubt riddled with fear and anxiety? What does that say about the direction, or current state, of our country?

I read the other day that 50 percent of the spending in this country is from 10 percent of the population. Let that sink in. How sustainable of a situation is that when 10 percent of the population is propping up the economy? What could possibly go wrong?

On my local ballot for this election period is two questions. One, do you agree to let the state keep excess tax collected above projections to pay for food for children in the upcoming year. Two, do you agree we should raise taxes on households making more than $300,000 to fund food for children in the years to come? And I'm torn on the second one.

While I want every kid in this state, in every state across the country and the world, to have all their meals for free, I struggle with the idea of raising taxes to pay for it when I know how misallocated billions and trillions of tax dollars already are. Funding foreign wars in the last 2 – 3 years alone has cost of over $250 billion as a nation. The proposal to bail out Argentina could cost us another $30 billion.

We already have the money to feed everyone in this country but time and time again we choose not to, and instead fund destructive wars, or provide aid to everyone but our own. And every year its a question of whether or not we can pay for safety net program like SNAP, like Medicaid.

So how do I continue to vote to raise taxes when I know that at some point down the line, even if this ballot measure passes and funds school meals for now, it will eventually be used for something malevolent. It's a shitty and maddening position to be in. And they know that. That's why the opposition to the measure isn't to reallocate funds away from wars and corporate greed. The opposition is: taxes bad.

And I agree, new taxes are bad. But in this case not providing meals to children is far worse and I figure I'll let someone else figure out why we're pissing our money away to foreign countries for purposes of destruction and corruption instead of actually helping them. And in the interim I'll vote yes to raise taxes and feed children.

Warming Back Up…

After almost 10 days of backpacking and camping I’m finally getting back into my routines. I found it extremely difficult to write consistently and have complete thoughts while I was moving around and out of my element. These undeveloped thoughts are proof my brain is trying to settle back in…

“I don’t think there’s ever a right time to do something, but I do think there is a wrong time.”

Being Different

It’s really hard to do something different when everyone around you acts as one. You feel like what you want to do must be wrong, because if it wasn’t, everyone else would be doing it too. So it creates doubt in your mind, and gives credence to the resistance. Push on anyway. Believe that you’ll make believers of the doubters, and leave behind the resistors.

Try Something New

There isn’t one thing in this world that you can’t get better at through repetition. Even if you’re not trying to improve, the mere act of performing a task over and over will yield better results each time. Just by practicing, you’ll be better than before. It doesn’t mean you’ll be the greatest, world renowned, or the subject matter expert in your field, but you can improve just by trying. The only reason we’re not any good at something is because we haven’t tried enough. We tried, got poor results or feedback, and stopped. The only reason we’re scared of trying something new is because we’ve never done it before. New equals change, which equals scary. But think back to something that you had to do, even though maybe you didn’t want to. Like starting a new job or getting promoted into a new role. Moving somewhere new and unfamiliar. The first time you showed up for a class. Then think about how over time, with repetition, all of those things got easier, and you forgot about the anxiety and resistance you felt. Repetition gives way to confidence, and confidence washes away anxiety.

Everybody has some arena in their life where they’re comfortable throwing caution to the wind and trying something new. For me, it’s exercise. I’ve been exercising for over 20 years, so when a new physical challenge presents itself, I have zero hesitation in throwing myself into the fire. Two decades of experience has made it easy for me to take chances, and given me the confidence to know that I can and will perform. For my fiancee, it’s anything that has to do with gardening, growing vegetables and flowers. She’s been at it for 30 years, so she has no hesitation in planting something here, just to move it over there. Or seeding something she’s never grown before. Or planting something just because there was an empty spot. Three decades of experience has given her the confidence to know that she’ll figure it out, and the insight to know that even if she doesn’t, life goes on. The key is to trick yourself into carrying that mindset into unfamiliar ground, when trying something new that feels uncomfortable. To somehow look back on the beginning of your journey, whether that’s exercise for me or growing for Jen, and remember that at one time that was new and scary, and now it’s the thing you love.

Create A Mess

To make something beautiful in life requires a willingness to make a mess. And I think cooking provides the best example of this. If you’ve ever tried to cook while keeping a clean kitchen, then you know what an impossible and unfulfilling task that is. I cooked that way for many years before finally surrendering to the mess, and I’ve tried to carry that same surrender into other parts of my life. Surrendering required understanding that a mess was unavoidable, knowing that I could clean it up, and a belief that, despite what it looks like, something worthwhile would come out of the other side.

Rest When You’re Tired

As a society there’s a taboo around being tired. You’re not allowed. That’s one of the reasons why drinking is so popular. So many times I’ve heard people say, “I’ll rally once I start drinking,” or “I’ll be fine once I have a drink.” That’s why drugs and energy drinks are so popular, because the feeling of being tired is unacceptable in our culture, and looked down upon, and is therefore met with aggressive resistance. Meanwhile, the only thing that cures tired is good sleep, and anything else, like drinking, drugs, energy drinks, and caffeine, just prevent good sleep and further deepen the hole, creating the desire to reach for more drinks, drugs, energy, and caffeine. It’s ok to have a long day, a long week, a tough month, and just be tired. Tired is not a form of weakness, something to hide from, or put a mask on, or be ashamed of. We all feel tired from time to time. And when we’re tired, we should just be tired, and get some rest.

Space and Reflection

Going away is important because it’s the only time I remember all of the things I’ve been meaning to do. As the trip gets closer, everything comes rushing back to me. I didn’t hang the heart or the mermaid, or the tree lights in the basement. I didn’t set up the soaker hose. I didn’t book a campsite for our trip next week. As the prospect of getting away creates space in my mind, things that were buried away coming charging to the surface.

I also start reflecting more. Reflecting on my relationships. What’s going well? What can be better? How can I improve? Reflecting on my place in the universe. What’s going well? What can be better? How can I improve? That’s the real luxury of getting away and escaping the daily grind. It’s not the fancy hotel on the beach, or the one of a kind rental in the heart of the city. It’s not the all you can eat buffet, or the street food market. It’s not the sun, or the shopping, or any of that stuff. Although those things can all be nice. The value is in a trip’s ability to create space for new thoughts. That’s the luxury.

It’s doesn’t matter how happy I am, or how well I think my life is going. The moment I start preparing to go away, a more accurate picture of my life starts to appear. Things I’m doing that I don’t want to be doing. Things I’m not doing that I do want to be doing. Things I want to do more of. Things I want to be paying attention to but I keep getting distracted from.

Reflection is really important, but it’s really hard to do when you’re knee deep in it, day in and day out, without a break. Reflection requires being able to step away for a moment, or moments, in time. And if you don’t have that ability, or access to that space, then it can be a very hard place to be. And I can’t help but think that that has played a major role in the decline of mental and physical health in this country. Most people are grinding away just to keep their heads above water, and never get that time to ask, “What’s going well? What isn’t?” 

Healthcare, MAHA, MAGA

I went to urgent care yesterday with an infected bug bite. While I was waiting to be seen a man walked in with his daughter. She couldn’t have been older than 10. He complained of some rash or bites that they both had, and gave the receptionist their information, including insurance. Five minutes later the receptionist called him back up and informed him that his insurance was ok, but his daughter’s Medicaid hap lapsed, and she was no longer covered. So he had three options. Pay out of pocket, easily $200, which was not an option for him and is probably not an option for many people on Medicaid. Call Medicaid and see if they could reinstate her in time for the visit. Or go to the emergency room where they would have to treat her regardless of insurance.

This is the country we live in. This is the healthcare system we have. Where a child can be denied treatment because of a lapse in coverage, likely for some asinine reason like incomplete paperwork that needs to be resubmitted regularly, sometimes as much as quarterly depending on the benefit. A constant re-verification of eligibility to make sure no one is cheating the system. When you see or hear about an adult being denied treatment or not having insurance, or about the millions of people without coverage, it doesn’t make sense, it doesn’t feel right. But when you see a child in the flesh being denied treatment, and being told no, it stings in a whole different way.

The question that keeps coming back to me over and over again is: “What the fuck is wrong with us? Why do we allow this type of nonsense to take place? Why do we accept it as just the way it is? Why are more people not outraged?!” It makes me insane. The current administration ran with a new movement called MAHA. Make America Healthy Again, led by RFK, Jr. To my knowledge the only thing they have done is reduced the number of mandatory vaccines for children, and maybe banned a toxic ingredient or two from being allowed into our foods. And at the MAGA level all they have done is reduced funding for SNAP and Medicaid, and made it more difficult for Americans to receive these benefits. Likely resulting in millions of Americans losing their health insurance and creating millions more food insecure homes. Limiting access to food and healthcare, two things that should be our right as humans, and two vital components of health, is a very clear indication that the administration has no real interest in making Americans healthy. 

It was all just another charade. Charade, after charade, after charade, is what we get, while children are denied access to healthcare. It is an insane and sick country that we are living in, and I don’t see how it ever changes unless the whole system is upended or the whole system collapses. And unfortunately it seems that far too many of us are content to let it slowly burn down around us, instead of demanding the change we know we need. One day we’ll all look back and wonder how we didn’t see it coming.

Influence and Intuition

It’s ok to listen to experts and influencers, journalists and news anchors, politicians and CEOs, as long as you understand that what they’re saying is just a suggestion. It doesn’t matter how they say it, and who it is that says it. It is only a suggestion, an opinion, one perspective, and you need to digest it, then decide how you feel about it.

If the experts say the key to longevity is intermittent fasting, which requires skipping breakfast, but breakfast is your favorite meal of the day, and fasting until lunch feels like torture, then eat breakfast. Intermittent fasting is not for you. It doesn’t matter what anyone says. It doesn’t work for you. Breakfast does.

If the president says that we must support war against terrorists, and the media says it is a necessary war, but the war is actually the murdering, starving, and maiming of innocent men, women, and children, and you think murdering, starving, and maiming innocent men, women, and children is not ok, then it doesn’t matter what the news or president tells you. It’s bad, you know it. You don’t need anyone to tell you that you should oppose it.

We’re so weird in our proclivity as humans to constantly defer to appointed experts, politicians, and anyone on TV, and dismiss what we think. We hold these people in such high regard, as if they have access to information and knowledge that would make skipping breakfast feel ok, or supporting unjust war acceptable. But we know just as much as anyone, and nothing can make that uneasy feeling go away.

When UnitedHealth Group (UHG) took over the company I was working for, many of my colleagues at the executive level expected UHG to have a team of geniuses who would swoop in and fix all of our problems. They spoke about it openly. And when that didn’t happen, and we learned that the people who worked there were no smarter than any of us, and that they didn’t have any magical solutions, my colleagues were genuinely surprised and disappointed. But I was not. I never understood why or how working for a larger company would make them more intelligent and capable. Turns out, they weren’t.

With very few exceptions in this world (yes, there are real geniuses), we are all born of the fairly same level of intelligence. And it is only experience and the environment we grow up in that begins to separate us. But our intuition, that feeling we get that says “something ain’t right,” or “I really want to do that,” is something we are all born with, and never goes away. So when you hear something that doesn’t make sense, or you try something you saw on TV or heard on a podcast, and it doesn’t feel right, go with that feeling. You are not wrong. Do not doubt yourself. You know more than you think, and a lot more than they want you believe. Have trust in yourself.

That goes for me and this site as well. This website is just a collection of beliefs, perspectives, routines, and resources that work for me. But I encourage you to do what you want. If something I say resonates, great, go with it. If you try something I suggest and it doesn’t work, stop doing it. Everyone is unique. Everyone knows what works for them and what doesn’t. What they feel deep in their bones. The secret to success and happiness is finding what works for you, and the best way to find out is by listening to yourself, and taking what other say with a grain of salt.

Manipulating Language

The most dangerous weapon isn’t developed in a lab or manufactured at a plant. It is the misuse of language with the intention of influencing our behavior, our decisions, and our beliefs. Language is something we take for granted. We take what is said at face value, never really looking past the spoken or written words to determine what is actually being said. But it plays a huge role in shaping our lives. Two vastly different, but related and relevant examples come to mind.

When we think of a weed, we picture an unwanted guest. A pest. Something that if left unaddressed, will take over. A garden filled with weeds is an unpleasant and messy visual. One that might indicate laziness, or bring embarrassment or shame from your neighbors. But really, isn’t a weed just a plant that has figured out how to grow and survive in any condition without the need for human interventions like watering, pruning, and fertilizing, or the careful placement for just the right amount of sunlight?

By framing a weed as an invasive and unwanted pest with no place in your garden, instead of just a plant, makes it easy to rationalize killing them. Whether that be by force (pulling), fire (blow torch), or poison (like Roundup). I see people all around my neighborhood wearing gloves, and sometimes masks, to protect themselves while they spray Roundup around their property. The desire to kill weeds, programmed in us over decades, outweighs the innate knowledge within us that spraying poison is a bad idea. If you don’t want it on your skin or in your lungs, then why use it at all? Because weeds are pests, and pests need to go.

An illegal immigrant is the human version of a weed. An unwanted and unruly pest that just keeps popping up. Placing the word illegal in front of the word immigrant immediately turns a human seeking refuge and a better way of life into an outlaw with no regard for the rules, and makes it seem more likely that they will commit other illegal acts again in the future. An illegal immigrant sounds dangerous and ruthless. Someone with a checkered past from a sketchy place. But when compared to just an immigrant, what’s the actual difference?

Usually nothing. In both cases, the illegal immigrant and the immigrant fled their country to escape poverty, famine, war, or persecution, maybe all four, and came to this country, or any country, in search of a better life. They both traveled long and far to put themselves and their family in a better position to survive and prosper. Two people from the same town, in the same country, fleeing for the same reasons, and one is illegal, and the other legal, all because of how they got here, and whether or not they received the correct permissions or paperwork. But otherwise they are the same.

Maybe one had the means to get the correct permissions and the other didn’t. Maybe one had the time to wait for the paperwork to come through, and the other person’s situation was so dire that they couldn’t afford to wait or else it might cost them, and their families, their life. There is no difference really. But there is a difference in how we view and accept each of them based on their designation as illegal or legal.

By using the word illegal it makes it easier to accept mistreating them. By using the word illegal it makes it easier to rally support for waging war against them, and the country they came from, and forcing them to leave. And it makes it easier to convince us that we need to spend hundreds of millions and billions of dollars to fix the illegal immigration problem. Money that could have been spent fixing our own communities, instead being spent to round people up and kick them out, when all they wanted to do was come here and work.

In college I once didn’t take a job because I had to explain three different types of butters to the tables I would’ve been waiting on. That’s embarrassing to admit. But these people are willing to put their lives in danger, walking thousands of miles across dangerous terrain and through treacherous jungle, to come here, all because the danger they are trying to escape is greater. And when they get here we tell them no thank you, you did it the wrong way. Go back. Try again. We call ourselves a democratic capitalist society based on meritocracy, but that only applies when we approve of how you’ve come to be here. It doesn’t matter if you’re willing to work longer and hard than the people who are born here (like me).

I say all this, and I realize that the war on illegal immigrants is just as much a facade as it is real. Yes, there are thousands of people actually being detained, arrested, put in jail, or deported. But it’s mostly an act, because the same people who claim to want to close the border and send illegal immigrants back to their home countries, are the same people whose fortunes were built on the exploitation of their cheap labor, and who’s every day lives depends on their presence here. So it’s also just a facade to draw our eyes away from the real tragedies gripping our communities that continue to go unaddressed. 

If we’re focused on illegal immigrants, and worried about how they’re infiltrating our country, then we can all rally around illegals as the enemy, and we forget that nothing else is actually getting done. Look around your community and think about what the actual issues are facing you and your neighbors. In my community food insecurity and food deserts are a huge problem. Opioid addiction, substance abuse, and homelessness is another one. Pollution, radiation exposure, and degradation of the land is causing chronic diseases. An aging population who can’t get the help or care they need to maintain an active and productive life. Military veterans either handicapped or traumatized by their experiences without access to resources to get better. That’s what I look around and see, and illegal immigrants have nothing to do with any of it.

Language has always been used to shape the conversations we’re having and influence our beliefs. It is the most deadly weapon in the arsenal because language is what is used to convince us that what we’re seeing and feeling is not actually so. Designating a plant a weed is rationalizes the use of poison around our houses to kill it. Designating a human as illegal rationalizes why they shouldn’t have any rights and don’t belong in this country. Understanding the weaponization of language and it’s impact on our communities is the battle that determines all of the other battles, and it’s the most important one to be aware of.

Hard Work

Is it hard word because it’s hard work? Or is it hard work because when you start out you don’t know what the fuck you are doing? That’s the question. If it’s the latter, that means that you can make things easier with experience, but, you have to try, and continue to try, and try again, most likely unsuccessfully, until you finally figure it out. But that’s only when you really want it. Otherwise, it’s hard work and leave it at that. 

Time

I think the most important lesson in life is a confusing one. Life is short, but you have time. If you rush, you’ll miss it. It’s taken me almost 40 years to figure it out. I spent far too many years jumping from one thing to the next, afraid that if I spent too much time on one thing, I’ll never get everything I want done. But now my approach is different. I understand that life offers us limited time to accomplish what we want, but I also know that you need to slow down to see all the beauty around you, and that if you want to create something you can’t rush it.

Rome wasn’t built in a day, it was built over centuries. Billion and trillion dollar companies started from nothing before becoming the market dominating behemoths we know them as. Successful careers can start in the mailroom and span decades before reaching the c-suite. Works of art can take days, months, years, decades, and even centuries to complete, and even longer to receive recognition.

La Segrada Familia in Spain, which was started in 1882, and is still incomplete, offers a great example of this principle. It’s been over 100 years since it’s inception, and it is still not complete today. And yet nearly everyone that visits Barcelona goes to see it in its current unfinished form. It’s a reminder that beauty and craftsmanship are not just visible in a finished product, they are present in works in progress.

It’s easy to feel like time is running out and you need to pick up the pace if you’re ever going to accomplish anything. But it doesn’t have to be. There’s time to think, to observe, to plan, to enjoy, to acknowledge, to appreciate, to love, to support, and to embrace. And there is time to accomplish what you want. There is time for everything, but you have to make time for it.

Where to Invest

I wonder if it’s possible to ever really achieve happiness if you never invest in yourself. I don’t know whether that’s true or not, but what I do know is that the more I invest in myself the happier I feel. I’m also amazed at how many years I’ve spent investing in other peoples dreams, ideas, and interests, thinking that it would make me happy, when in reality I was just serving someone else. And I’m not saying invest like you would in a 401k, or in real estate, or in anything with a tangible ROI, although that could be part of your plan as well. I just mean investing in the things that arouse your interest and help you to grow.

It amazes me how often in my life I’ve talked myself off the ledge of diving into something I really wanted to do, and all of the excuses I could come up with. Time and money have always been the main reasons why I couldn’t do something, even if time and money were actually not an obstacle. Fear of the unknown and inexperience when it came to trying something new was another one. The perception others had was a distant third. But when it came to investing in other people, whether that was through long hours working, or helping fund a project, for some reasons those excuses never came up. In those situations there was no restrictions.

It wasn’t until I left work that I put this all together. That the key to success is investing in yourself. That the key to investing in yourself is having confidence in yourself. That was the main difference. When it came to others and their established and proven plans, it was easy to hop on board. But when it came to my silly interests or big ideas, they didn’t seem possible or necessary to pursue. Especially when other people had already rolled out a path I could follow.

Like, I wanted to take an introduction to writing class with a local writers workshop, but taking a class meant calling myself a writer, which felt uncomfortable, so I tried to talk myself out of it. I told myself that my writing wasn’t good enough to put in front of other people in in person (read as: I was afraid to receive criticism). And, the class wasn’t cheap. Did I really need to spend money on something that was just a hobby with no promise of financial return? I succeeded in making it too big of a commitment of time, money, and emotion, and put it on the back burner.

But a few weeks later I selected at random a video from Devotion to Writing on YouTube. The video spoke about how important it is for a new writer to surround themselves with a community of writers who understand what they are trying to do. I took it as a sign that I needed to take this class. So, I did. After 4 weeks of class I no longer felt silly about calling myself a writer. I felt accomplished and proud. I learned a lot about writing, but more importantly I grew as a result of my participation in the class, and I have been able to carry that growth into other parts of my life.

Similarly, a few months ago I started a kettlebell class with movement specialist Beth Lewis. Learning how to properly and effectively use kettlebells in my workouts has been a goal of mine for years, and the instruction from this class has got me as close to that goal as I’ve ever been. So when she announced a new bodyweight class over the summer, I really wanted take it, but I was hesitant and, again, tried to talk myself out of it.

The usual excuses were at play. Again, cost was a consideration. Don’t I already know bodyweight exercises? Do I need to pay for something I know? Do I want to make another time commitment? The class is Sunday mornings, and kettlebells is Saturday mornings, which meant weekend mornings were shot. And two exercise classes meant two less days of doing the workouts I want. It meant losing my flexibility. There was good reason it seemed to skip it.

But I kept thinking about the opportunity I had to learn from a master, and I kept telling myself this wasn’t just an exercise class, but an investment in myself. Like the writing class, there might not have been a guaranteed financial return in the future, but I knew the lessons learned would expand my knowledge and help me grow. So, ultimately I pulled the trigger, and based on our first class this past Sunday, I know I made the right decision. 

But it does also mean investing from a financial perspective. I’ve had an idea for a mobile app for 7 years now. And for all those years I let it sit because it seemed crazy to invest in. I wasn’t confident I could bring it to life, and I couldn’t envision it’s success, so I couldn’t convince myself to put any money or time into it. The fear of investing in something that goes belly up outweighed the desire to do it. So, instead I let it just bounce around my head and taunt me.

But this year I finally made the move. In part because I heard someone say, “The ideas that never leave you are the ones I like to work on.” Hearing that gave me a push. I realized that if this idea stuck with my for 7 years, that it was unlikely to ever leave me unless I gave it a shot. Plus, I was finally feeling settled in my life, had the support of my partner, and was a year deep into pushing the idea of investing in myself. So, I hired a development company, and took two steps towards developing a limited product that would at least test the viability of the idea. I invested only what I could afford, and only what I would be ok with losing.

I’m expecting the final product in a couple of weeks. I have no idea if it will be successful, how much more work or money it’s going to take, but now that I’ve gotten this far, I can’t picture having never taking this chance. What fascinates me is how the script has flipped, and not trying seems like the crazy thing. Regardless of the success or failure of the idea, I’ve learned that I can be someone who brings an idea to life. And that is way more valuable than any financial return.

Do you have an idea you’ve been kicking around for awhile? A class you want to take? A skill you want to learn? A language you want to master? Somewhere you have always wanted to go? Do you tell yourself it’s stupid, expensive, time consuming, and no guaranteed return, so what’s the point? A lot of times we get a calling to do something, try something, or go somewhere, and it’s not immediately clear why or how it’s going to benefit us, so we make excuses and ignore it, and wait for clear instruction. But just because it isn’t clear, doesn’t mean there’s not a reason it came to you. You have to just do it, and trust that the reason will reveal itself, and that you’ll get something out of it you never expected.

I’ve realized that for most of my life I’ve been living a scarcity mindset. Just trying to keep the nuts I’ve gathered buried and safe for as long as I can. But I wasn’t happy, and success, true success, felt like it was eluding me. I wasn’t sad or depressed, not clinically anyway, but I wasn’t excited about the future. Now that I’m investing in myself, the future feels promising, and I know that the growth I experience will lead to confidence, and confidence will take me the rest of the way.

Invest in yourself.  

Failure

There is only one type of failure, and that is not trying. Everything else is an attempt, and it doesn’t matter the outcome. Each attempt represents a step in the right direction. Failure is giving up on yourself, which is the one thing you should never do. Giving up on an idea, a diet, or a relationship, all are inevitable. It’s going to happen multiple times throughout your life. But that’s not the same as giving up on yourself and not trying.

The idea that we should never quit is one of the traps in this life that prevents us from ever trying in the first place, because we believe if we’re not going to be successful, then why try and risk failure. No, you should quit when your intuition is telling you to move on. Two quotes come to mind. “Fail fast,” and “Don’t spend time in delay.” If it feels like it’s time to pull the plug, then it probably is. Move on, and give yourself the opportunity to try something new. And never give up on what you want.