Settling into time

I used to look at people who were older and more accomplished than me, people 20 - 30 years my senior, and get frustrated that I wasn’t at their level. I had this unrealistic expectation of time, and how long it took to be successful. Despite the large age gaps, I still expected to be as successful as them intellectually, financially, authentically, or by any other metric by which we all judge ourselves. And by not being on their level I felt like I was failing. That if I hadn’t figured it out already, than I never would, or that I was doing something wrong and needed to change paths. To me success was something that could be achieved instantaneously. And so that’s the way I always worked. Non-stop, fueled by the belief that if I worked hard enough, it would just happen.

But as I’ve finally started to gain momentum, I know longer compare myself to people who are further along on their journey and firmly established in their lives. Instead I see a future version of myself in them, and get excited about the prospect of being around them.

This past weekend my fiancé and I met her father in Austin, TX for MotoGP at the Circuit of the Americas. Our Airbnb host was this really cool, confident, and self assured, lady in her 60s. Her house was gorgeous and funky. She lived in the front unit, and rented out the back one. In her driveway was pared two classic cars she had restored. The home we rented was decorated beautifully and elegantly, with reclaimed wood furniture and antique (but well maintained) sitting chairs. It was also filled with simple but effective little touches, like a plush mat at the bedside, fresh cut flowers floating in glass jars filled with water, and coffee from a local roaster. It was the type of place that my fiancé and I dream of having to host people at. And at a different time in my life I would have been jealous, and felt anxious that despite having this dream I still didn’t have the house. But this time I felt differently. In my current mindset I used her house, and the life she created for herself, as fuel for my goals, and as reassurance that, like her, I’m building my dream.

It just feels like for the first time since starting this journey of discovery 7+ years ago, that I’m finally making meaningful progress. And while that feeling of progress has only been recent, I’m aware of the fact that it’s taken several years to get here, but here I am. It didn’t start last night, last week, last month, or even last year. It’s something I’ve been relentlessly working towards this whole time, even though that wasn’t always clear to me. It is now, and the biggest lesson has been that things take time. There is no shortcut to success. Not anyone I’m aware of anyway.

And even more importantly I’ve learned that the effort and seriousness that I did things at was unnecessary. That the most important thing was just showing up a little bit everyday to work on it. Whether that was exercise. Diet. Cooking. Writing. Reading. Being in a relationship. Whatever it was, it didn’t matter how hard I worked, the only thing that mattered was being consistent. And over time that accumulation of effort would pay dividends, like it’s starting to now. 

Part of the fear over the last several years was also whether or not I could maintain the consistency over time. When I started this journey I did so with the intention of creating a new path for myself, which required changing my mindset, my actions, and my habits. I feared that regardless of my intention, I would fall back into my old ways, and make a few of myself, so I proceeded with caution. And every time I did slip back into my old ways, it reinforced my fear that I was in uncharted waters and wouldn’t make it out. This was especially true when it came to new things that I had a passion for but had not built a practice around, like writing. Or when it came to meeting my partner, and soon to be wife. Could I keep it up? was always a big question that made me hesitant to go all in and made me pull back often.

It caused me to pull back from people I liked and looked up to, because I was afraid that I would end up flaking or disappointing them when they found out I wasn’t everything I said I was. It caused me to pull back from things I wanted to do with projects that excited me, like writing, sharing workout videos, or developing my app idea, because I didn’t know what I was doing, and I wasn’t convinced yet that I was the type of person that could keep it going long enough to figure it out. And I didn’t want to start, make a big deal about it, and then be embarrassed when my enthusiasm petered out shortly after. But the fact that all these years later I’m still doing it is proof that I am committed to the journey, and the question of whether or not I can maintain it is no longer in doubt.

So it feels safe to say that this journey isn’t in danger of fizzling out, and while my path is still unfolding, I know I’m heading in the right direction. I’m realizing that when I do catch up in age, I will also be firmly established in my life, because in a lot of ways I already am. Whereas I used to look at people like my AirBnb host and think “what’s it going to take to get there?”, and “it’s taking too long,” now I just see a younger version of them in me. I can see past their accomplishments, and see the accumulation of experiences, knowledge, relationships, and more, that took them time to develop, and that are the foundation of their success.

Rather than comparing myself to them, I see a familiarity between us. I feel a connection, and I’m willing to embrace it, not run away from it like I used to because I felt like an imposter. I know that I’m living my life as authentically as possible, and that I belong in this group. That I’m only going to lean harder into the life I’m living now, and continue answering that question “who are you becoming” with actions that are becoming of me. So that fear is gone. And life is so much more enjoyable.