Putting my insecurities aside to share

I was sitting on the couch stoned the other night just thinking. My fiancé noticed I was zoning out and asked me what was wrong. I said nothing. I’m just thinking. She asked me what I was thinking about. At first I didn’t want to answer her, in part because I felt embarrassed to tell her what I was thinking about, and also because in that moment of questioning I forgot everything I was thinking about. But she insisted so I forced myself to think, and shared the following.

I was thinking about my neighbor. That she probably doesn’t want to be looking at the piece of wood I put in the window, or maybe that she really does like watching me workout. Either way she probably wants me to remove it.

I was thinking about my kettlebell group chat, and how I’ve been noticeably absent from the group, and I feel bad about it. Especially because we’ve had a handful of new people join this month and even though I’m only one of close to 30 members, I feel an obligation to lead by example.

I was thinking about my family and the dysfunction we’re currently experiencing because of all our opposing ‘political’ positions, and if I am supposed to be doing something different. Even though I really don’t want to.

I was thinking about my new bike, and how if I really did care about the greater humanity I wouldn’t have spent that money on a bike. I would have spent it on something worthy of humanity.

Same goes for the app, and the money I spent to develop it. 

Then I was thinking about how I’m not any different than the rest of them. I think that I have the solution and I’m not willing to do the real work. That if I was much different, I would be out there trying. But I’m really not. I’m really not doing much more than someone who either doesn’t care or opposes what I believe. That I’m really just fucking around. Which I think is the best thing to do. But while I’m fucking around people are out there doing real work, and people are out there suffering real consequences of the inactions of the rest of us.

I was thinking about how I’m worried to go away and leave my fiancé home alone for a few nights. Not worried for any particular reason. Just worried because I view myself as her protector and I don’t ever want anything to happen to her. And if anything did, I would be devastated.

And so I was thinking about all of that while I sat on the couch the other night. And despite my initial hesitation to share, it felt better after I did. Despite thinking she would stop me at some point and tell me I’m crazy or a weirdo, instead she smiled, nodded, and mostly understood what I was putting myself through at that moment. Acknowledging that it’s the kind of thoughts we all put ourselves through at one point or another.