Daily Musings
Last week I sat for jury selection on a murder case. The accused was a black male in his 50s, overweight, with thick glasses, in handcuffs, and wheelchair bound. Although he wasn’t a lawyer, he had chosen to represent himself, and forego legal representation. In his eyes once the evidence was presented it would be clear to “anyone with a brain” that it was not murder, it was self-defense. So he sat at the defendants table alone.
On the other side of the aisle was the plaintiffs table. Four people in total, two lawyers, one assistant, and a local detective. All white, two males, two females, ranging in age from late 30s to mid 50s. The plaintiffs were representing the people.
From the little bit I was able to gather during the jury selection it sounded like a drug deal, or robbery, gone wrong, that resulted in the death of one man on a notoriously dangerous part of a well known street in Colorado. An area known for homelessness and substance abuse.
I sat in jury selection, 1 of 74 people, being chosen for a 12 person and 2 alternate jury, very conflicted. On the one hand, a man had died at the hands of the man sitting in front of us. That was not up for debate. The question, which the plaintiff was prepared to prove with evidence and witness testimony, was whether it was murder, or, as the defendant alleged, self defense that resulted in death.
If selected for the jury, and the evidence showed that he had killed this man without being provoked, or that he had used excessive and unnecessary force, then I would have to be part of returning a guilty conviction, which would undoubtedly result in a jail sentence, or possibly worse. I would have to make that decision while knowing that even if he was guilty, jail was not what this man needed. Jail is not what most people who break the law need. This man didn’t need to rot away in prison. He needed help.
I sat there, just days after the United States and Israel launched a full scale war against the people of Iran, that in just a matter of days resulted in the deaths of over 500 people, very conflicted. 160 girls murdered in cold blood on day one when a missile hit their school. I sat there staring at this man being held accountable for the death of one man, knowing that no one in this country or Israel would ever be held accountable for all the lives they’ve ended.
I also sat there with a copy of Robert Sapolsky’s book Determined. In the book Robert Sapolsky argues that there is no such thing as free will. That based on scientific data, research, and observations, our actions, whether we like it or not, are the result of what has happened to us in the moments, days, weeks, years, and decades that precede the action. That our genetics, the parental style we grew up under, the environment we are raised in, what our hormones are doing in the seconds before we act, and a thousand other things, make up who we are and why we do what we do. And as I sat there looking at this man I wondered what factors led him to this point in his life. What factors led him to be on the streets, in an altercation over drugs.
I sat there so conflicted, and unsure of what I ultimately wanted. Did I want to be selected for the jury or did I want to be dismissed? Part of me really wanted to be selected. I thought that if it really was self-defense, than maybe I could be part of convincing the other jurors to return a not guilty verdict, and help give this man his freedom. But there was a part of me that really wanted to be dismissed. I did not want to be part of a jury that would have to make that decision, and I did not know how I was going to put aside all the conflicting thoughts and opinions I had, to decide agree that this man should spend the rest of his life in prison, while mad man roam free and rule the world.
Ultimately, I was not selected. I was sent home at 3:30 pm, along with close to 60 other potential jurors, after over 6 hours of questioning. I don’t know what the fate of this man will be (although I will be checking the local news regularly to find out), but just being there face to face with someone in handcuffs, accused of murder, brought up so many emotions and thoughts about our society that were always there but usually remain buried.
On the one hand, people need to be held accountable for their actions. On the other hand, it seems more and more like it’s only the ones with no power, means, or resources who are held accountable. So many people who go through the justice system need help and support, not endless judgement and punishment.
Years ago I was listening to a podcast discussing and the guest said something along the lines of ‘society begins to breakdown when the rule of law is not evenly applied. When some citizens are held accountable for breaking the law, while others are not.’ That stuck with me.
The actions of this man on trial resulted in the death of another. All the moments leading up to this event led him to the streets. He faced a threat, in real-time, in the flesh, and he acted, and now he was being held accountable for that action. What we’re doing to Iran, what’s been done to the people of Gaza, to the people of Afghanistan, Iraq, Vietnam, to the people in fishing boats in the middle of the ocean, and to all the other innocent people around the world, has been based on fabricated threats. How many lives would be saved if any of these murders held accountable? Who poses the real threat to society?
Some people are allowed to break the laws right in front of our eyes, and are even celebrated with each life they take. And that uneven application of law between leadership and citizens is what’s fracturing society. This man may or may not get convicted, but I really fucking hope he doesn’t.