Influence and Intuition

It’s ok to listen to experts and influencers, journalists and news anchors, politicians and CEOs, as long as you understand that what they’re saying is just a suggestion. It doesn’t matter how they say it, and who it is that says it. It is only a suggestion, an opinion, one perspective, and you need to digest it, then decide how you feel about it.

If the experts say the key to longevity is intermittent fasting, which requires skipping breakfast, but breakfast if your favorite meal of the day, and fasting until lunch feels like torture, then eat breakfast. Intermittent fasting is not for you. It doesn’t matter what anyone says. It doesn’t work for you. Breakfast does.

If the president says that we must support war against terrorists, and the media says it is a necessary war, but the war is actually the murdering, starving, and maiming of innocent men, women, and children, and you think murdering, starving, and maiming innocent men, women, and children is not ok, then it doesn’t matter what the news or president tells you. It’s bad, you know it. You don’t need anyone to tell you that you should oppose it.

We’re so weird in our proclivity as humans to constantly defer to appointed experts, politicians, and anyone on TV, and dismiss what we think. We hold these people in such high regard, as if they have access to information and knowledge that would make skipping breakfast feel ok, or supporting unjust war acceptable. But we know just as much as anyone, and nothing can make that uneasy feeling go away.

When UnitedHealth Group (UHG) took over the company I was working for, many of my colleagues at the executive level expected UHG to have a team of geniuses who would swoop in and fix all of our problems. They spoke about it openly. And when that didn’t happen, and we learned that the people who worked there were no smarter than any of us, and that they didn’t have any magical solutions, my colleagues were genuinely surprised and disappointed. But I was not. I never understood why or how working for a larger company would make them more intelligent and capable. Turns out, they weren’t.

With very few exceptions in this world (yes, there are real geniuses), we are all born of the fairly same level of intelligence. And it is only experience and the environment we grow up in that begins to separate us. But our intuition, that feeling we get that says “something ain’t right,” or “I really want to do that,” is something we are all born with, and never goes away. So when you hear something that doesn’t make sense, or you try something you saw on TV or heard on a podcast, and it doesn’t feel right, go with that feeling. You are not wrong. Do not doubt yourself. You know more than you think, and a lot more than they want you believe. Have trust in yourself.

That goes for me and this site as well. This website is just a collection of beliefs, perspectives, routines, and resources that work for me. But I encourage you to do what you want. If something I say resonates, great, go with it. If you try something I suggest and it doesn’t work, stop doing it. Everyone is unique. Everyone knows what works for them and what doesn’t. What they feel deep in their bones. The secret to success and happiness is finding what works for you, and the best way to find out is by listening to yourself, and taking what other say with a grain of salt.

Manipulating Language

The most dangerous weapon isn’t developed in a lab or manufactured at a plant. It is the misuse of language with the intention of influencing our behavior, our decisions, and our beliefs. Language is something we take for granted. We take what is said at face value, never really looking past the spoken or written words to determine what is actually being said. But it plays a huge role in shaping our lives. Two vastly different, but related and relevant examples come to mind.

When we think of a weed, we picture an unwanted guest. A pest. Something that if left unaddressed, will take over. A garden filled with weeds is an unpleasant and messy visual. One that might indicate laziness, or bring embarrassment or shame from your neighbors. But really, isn’t a weed just a plant that has figured out how to grow and survive in any condition without the need for human interventions like watering, pruning, and fertilizing, or the careful placement for just the right amount of sunlight?

By framing a weed as an invasive and unwanted pest with no place in your garden, instead of just a plant, makes it easy to rationalize killing them. Whether that be by force (pulling), fire (blow torch), or poison (like Roundup). I see people all around my neighborhood wearing gloves, and sometimes masks, to protect themselves while they spray Roundup around their property. The desire to kill weeds, programmed in us over decades, outweighs the innate knowledge within us that spraying poison is a bad idea. If you don’t want it on your skin or in your lungs, then why use it at all? Because weeds are pests, and pests need to go.

An illegal immigrant is the human version of a weed. An unwanted and unruly pest that just keeps popping up. Placing the word illegal in front of the word immigrant immediately turns a human seeking refuge and a better way of life into an outlaw with no regard for the rules, and makes it seem more likely that they will commit other illegal acts again in the future. An illegal immigrant sounds dangerous and ruthless. Someone with a checkered past from a sketchy place. But when compared to just an immigrant, what’s the actual difference?

Usually nothing. In both cases, the illegal immigrant and the immigrant fled their country to escape poverty, famine, war, or persecution, maybe all four, and came to this country, or any country, in search of a better life. They both traveled long and far to put themselves and their family in a better position to survive and prosper. Two people from the same town, in the same country, fleeing for the same reasons, and one is illegal, and the other legal, all because of how they got here, and whether or not they received the correct permissions or paperwork. But otherwise they are the same.

Maybe one had the means to get the correct permissions and the other didn’t. Maybe one had the time to wait for the paperwork to come through, and the other person’s situation was so dire that they couldn’t afford to wait or else it might cost them, and their families, their life. There is no difference really. But there is a difference in how we view and accept each of them based on their designation as illegal or legal.

By using the word illegal it makes it easier to accept mistreating them. By using the word illegal it makes it easier to rally support for waging war against them, and the country they came from, and forcing them to leave. And it makes it easier to convince us that we need to spend hundreds of millions and billions of dollars to fix the illegal immigration problem. Money that could have been spent fixing our own communities, instead being spent to round people up and kick them out, when all they wanted to do was come here and work.

In college I once didn’t take a job because I had to explain three different types of butters to the tables I would’ve been waiting on. That’s embarrassing to admit. But these people are willing to put their lives in danger, walking thousands of miles across dangerous terrain and through treacherous jungle, to come here, all because the danger they are trying to escape is greater. And when they get here we tell them no thank you, you did it the wrong way. Go back. Try again. We call ourselves a democratic capitalist society based on meritocracy, but that only applies when we approve of how you’ve come to be here. It doesn’t matter if you’re willing to work longer and hard than the people who are born here (like me).

I say all this, and I realize that the war on illegal immigrants is just as much a facade as it is real. Yes, there are thousands of people actually being detained, arrested, put in jail, or deported. But it’s mostly an act, because the same people who claim to want to close the border and send illegal immigrants back to their home countries, are the same people whose fortunes were built on the exploitation of their cheap labor, and who’s every day lives depends on their presence here. So it’s also just a facade to draw our eyes away from the real tragedies gripping our communities that continue to go unaddressed. 

If we’re focused on illegal immigrants, and worried about how they’re infiltrating our country, then we can all rally around illegals as the enemy, and we forget that nothing else is actually getting done. Look around your community and think about what the actual issues are facing you and your neighbors. In my community food insecurity and food deserts are a huge problem. Opioid addiction, substance abuse, and homelessness is another one. Pollution, radiation exposure, and degradation of the land is causing chronic diseases. An aging population who can’t get the help or care they need to maintain an active and productive life. Military veterans either handicapped or traumatized by their experiences without access to resources to get better. That’s what I look around and see, and illegal immigrants have nothing to do with any of it.

Language has always been used to shape the conversations we’re having and influence our beliefs. It is the most deadly weapon in the arsenal because language is what is used to convince us that what we’re seeing and feeling is not actually so. Designating a plant a weed is rationalizes the use of poison around our houses to kill it. Designating a human as illegal rationalizes why they shouldn’t have any rights and don’t belong in this country. Understanding the weaponization of language and it’s impact on our communities is the battle that determines all of the other battles, and it’s the most important one to be aware of.

Hard Work

Is it hard word because it’s hard work? Or is it hard work because when you start out you don’t know what the fuck you are doing? That’s the question. If it’s the latter, that means that you can make things easier with experience, but, you have to try, and continue to try, and try again, most likely unsuccessfully, until you finally figure it out. But that’s only when you really want it. Otherwise, it’s hard work and leave it at that. 

Time

I think the most important lesson in life is a confusing one. Life is short, but you have time. If you rush, you’ll miss it. It’s taken me almost 40 years to figure it out. I spent far too many years jumping from one thing to the next, afraid that if I spent too much time on one thing, I’ll never get everything I want done. But now my approach is different. I understand that life offers us limited time to accomplish what we want, but I also know that you need to slow down to see all the beauty around you, and that if you want to create something you can’t rush it.

Rome wasn’t built in a day, it was built over centuries. Billion and trillion dollar companies started from nothing before becoming the market dominating behemoths we know them as. Successful careers can start in the mailroom and span decades before reaching the c-suite. Works of art can take days, months, years, decades, and even centuries to complete, and even longer to receive recognition.

La Segrada Familia in Spain, which was started in 1882, and is still incomplete, offers a great example of this principle. It’s been over 100 years since it’s inception, and it is still not complete today. And yet nearly everyone that visits Barcelona goes to see it in its current unfinished form. It’s a reminder that beauty and craftsmanship are not just visible in a finished product, they are present in works in progress.

It’s easy to feel like time is running out and you need to pick up the pace if you’re ever going to accomplish anything. But it doesn’t have to be. There’s time to think, to observe, to plan, to enjoy, to acknowledge, to appreciate, to love, to support, and to embrace. And there is time to accomplish what you want. There is time for everything, but you have to make time for it.

Where to Invest

I wonder if it’s possible to ever really achieve happiness if you never invest in yourself. I don’t know whether that’s true or not, but what I do know is that the more I invest in myself the happier I feel. I’m also amazed at how many years I’ve spent investing in other peoples dreams, ideas, and interests, thinking that it would make me happy, when in reality I was just serving someone else. And I’m not saying invest like you would in a 401k, or in real estate, or in anything with a tangible ROI, although that could be part of your plan as well. I just mean investing in the things that arouse your interest and help you to grow.

It amazes me how often in my life I’ve talked myself off the ledge of diving into something I really wanted to do, and all of the excuses I could come up with. Time and money have always been the main reasons why I couldn’t do something, even if time and money were actually not an obstacle. Fear of the unknown and inexperience when it came to trying something new was another one. The perception others had was a distant third. But when it came to investing in other people, whether that was through long hours working, or helping fund a project, for some reasons those excuses never came up. In those situations there was no restrictions.

It wasn’t until I left work that I put this all together. That the key to success is investing in yourself. That the key to investing in yourself is having confidence in yourself. That was the main difference. When it came to others and their established and proven plans, it was easy to hop on board. But when it came to my silly interests or big ideas, they didn’t seem possible or necessary to pursue. Especially when other people had already rolled out a path I could follow.

Like, I wanted to take an introduction to writing class with a local writers workshop, but taking a class meant calling myself a writer, which felt uncomfortable, so I tried to talk myself out of it. I told myself that my writing wasn’t good enough to put in front of other people in in person (read as: I was afraid to receive criticism). And, the class wasn’t cheap. Did I really need to spend money on something that was just a hobby with no promise of financial return? I succeeded in making it too big of a commitment of time, money, and emotion, and put it on the back burner.

But a few weeks later I selected at random a video from Devotion to Writing on YouTube. The video spoke about how important it is for a new writer to surround themselves with a community of writers who understand what they are trying to do. I took it as a sign that I needed to take this class. So, I did. After 4 weeks of class I no longer felt silly about calling myself a writer. I felt accomplished and proud. I learned a lot about writing, but more importantly I grew as a result of my participation in the class, and I have been able to carry that growth into other parts of my life.

Similarly, a few months ago I started a kettlebell class with movement specialist Beth Lewis. Learning how to properly and effectively use kettlebells in my workouts has been a goal of mine for years, and the instruction from this class has got me as close to that goal as I’ve ever been. So when she announced a new bodyweight class over the summer, I really wanted take it, but I was hesitant and, again, tried to talk myself out of it.

The usual excuses were at play. Again, cost was a consideration. Don’t I already know bodyweight exercises? Do I need to pay for something I know? Do I want to make another time commitment? The class is Sunday mornings, and kettlebells is Saturday mornings, which meant weekend mornings were shot. And two exercise classes meant two less days of doing the workouts I want. It meant losing my flexibility. There was good reason it seemed to skip it.

But I kept thinking about the opportunity I had to learn from a master, and I kept telling myself this wasn’t just an exercise class, but an investment in myself. Like the writing class, there might not have been a guaranteed financial return in the future, but I knew the lessons learned would expand my knowledge and help me grow. So, ultimately I pulled the trigger, and based on our first class this past Sunday, I know I made the right decision. 

But it does also mean investing from a financial perspective. I’ve had an idea for a mobile app for 7 years now. And for all those years I let it sit because it seemed crazy to invest in. I wasn’t confident I could bring it to life, and I couldn’t envision it’s success, so I couldn’t convince myself to put any money or time into it. The fear of investing in something that goes belly up outweighed the desire to do it. So, instead I let it just bounce around my head and taunt me.

But this year I finally made the move. In part because I heard someone say, “The ideas that never leave you are the ones I like to work on.” Hearing that gave me a push. I realized that if this idea stuck with my for 7 years, that it was unlikely to ever leave me unless I gave it a shot. Plus, I was finally feeling settled in my life, had the support of my partner, and was a year deep into pushing the idea of investing in myself. So, I hired a development company, and took two steps towards developing a limited product that would at least test the viability of the idea. I invested only what I could afford, and only what I would be ok with losing.

I’m expecting the final product in a couple of weeks. I have no idea if it will be successful, how much more work or money it’s going to take, but now that I’ve gotten this far, I can’t picture having never taking this chance. What fascinates me is how the script has flipped, and not trying seems like the crazy thing. Regardless of the success or failure of the idea, I’ve learned that I can be someone who brings an idea to life. And that is way more valuable than any financial return.

Do you have an idea you’ve been kicking around for awhile? A class you want to take? A skill you want to learn? A language you want to master? Somewhere you have always wanted to go? Do you tell yourself it’s stupid, expensive, time consuming, and no guaranteed return, so what’s the point? A lot of times we get a calling to do something, try something, or go somewhere, and it’s not immediately clear why or how it’s going to benefit us, so we make excuses and ignore it, and wait for clear instruction. But just because it isn’t clear, doesn’t mean there’s not a reason it came to you. You have to just do it, and trust that the reason will reveal itself, and that you’ll get something out of it you never expected.

I’ve realized that for most of my life I’ve been living a scarcity mindset. Just trying to keep the nuts I’ve gathered buried and safe for as long as I can. But I wasn’t happy, and success, true success, felt like it was eluding me. I wasn’t sad or depressed, not clinically anyway, but I wasn’t excited about the future. Now that I’m investing in myself, the future feels promising, and I know that the growth I experience will lead to confidence, and confidence will take me the rest of the way.

Invest in yourself.  

Failure

There is only one type of failure, and that is not trying. Everything else is an attempt, and it doesn’t matter the outcome. Each attempt represents a step in the right direction. Failure is giving up on yourself, which is the one thing you should never do. Giving up on an idea, a diet, or a relationship, all are inevitable. It’s going to happen multiple times throughout your life. But that’s not the same as giving up on yourself and not trying.

The idea that we should never quit is one of the traps in this life that prevents us from ever trying in the first place, because we believe if we’re not going to be successful, then why try and risk failure. No, you should quit when your intuition is telling you to move on. Two quotes come to mind. “Fail fast,” and “Don’t spend time in delay.” If it feels like it’s time to pull the plug, then it probably is. Move on, and give yourself the opportunity to try something new. And never give up on what you want.

Try Something New

Try it on. We try on clothes all the time before we buy them. We need to see if they fit. If they look as good on us as they do on the hanger. If they feel nice. If they are worth the price. So why not try on more things in life before committing? Why not try on a lifestyle? A new diet? Why not try stopping a bad habit? Try it on for a week and see what happens. You can always go back to what you were doing before. To what you were eating before. AND, if it doesn’t work out, you can always try on something else. 

That’s the kicker. Nothing is permanent. Mitakpa, Impermanence. 

Know It Alls

I don’t think people think they know it all. I think people forget that everything they know was learned, and that creates a false sense of knowing. They assume that if there’s something to know, that they would already know it. It’s a slight, but important, difference in perspective.

It’s hard to remember a time when we didn’t know, when we first learned something, and what that felt like. And for many of us there comes a time when we stop learning. We finish school, settle into a job, and our life becomes predictable. We’re no longer pushed to learn, and learning no longer fees necessary as a result. We feel we have everything we need to know.

But if we assume that people think they know everything, then we assume that people are know it alls, and therefore aren’t interested in learning, and are unwilling to change. But if by contrast we understand that we’re all born unknowing, that we’ve all learned everything we know, and that we can be taught, then we can assume that if we can figure out how to get through to people, they can learn, and they can change.

Focus

Where should be point our focus?

I was doing Swiss ball passes the other day. It’s an exercise that involves the passing of a Swiss ball, aka a stability ball, between your hands and your feet as you lie on the ground in a hollow body position. During the movement I noticed that my attention was on the movement of my legs and arms, and not the ball. And, for the first time, this seemed odd to me, so I adjusted and tracked the ball.

Immediately after I locked onto the ball with my eyes I noticed that my form improved. Even as the ball went out of sight above my head, my form stayed dialed in. It turns out that the location of the ball is far more important in this exercise than where I, and how I, move my arms and legs. Knowing where the ball was fed my brain the information it needed to figure out the best position to put my body in. Trying to move my arms and legs correctly, and following their movement, was actually a distraction.

When I observe something like this, it makes me wonder where else in my life this type of behavior might be occurring, and causing more strain than it should. Where else in my life can I use this same logic to improve? Where else in my life am I being distracted while thinking I’m paying attention? Where else in my life could correcting my focus help put me in a better position to succeed? What minor adjustment could I make that would help get things done more efficiently with less effort and better results?

Relationships

Sharing responsibilities in a relationship is not only about carrying equal amounts of burden. It is about collaboration. Collaboration requires conversation, discussion, weighing the pros and the cons, and ultimately coming to a mutual decision. When one person does it all, it leads to breakdowns in relationships. But not because one person is responsible for carrying the load, although resentment can build, but because when a serious issue arises the couple, having rarely collaborated before, lacks the experience and skills needed to work through it.

If by contrast a couple is constantly working together and communicating about every decision and detail in their shared lives, from where to put a new tree, and what to cook for Christmas, what to feed the kids, to where to live, and whether or not to pursue that business idea, then when conflicts between them arise, they will be well versed enough to work through them.

They will know when to speak, when to listen, when to be forceful, and when to acquiesce. They will be open and receptive, and understand how to come to an agreement, and be able to move forward even if they didn’t get their way. Sharing responsibility is about more than shouldering the burden, although at the surface that is how we usually view it. It is about working together for the best possible outcome in all situations, and the more practice you have with the benign and fun stuff, the easier it will be to get through the tough things.

Balance

For 99 percent of people the goal should be sustainability and balance. Losing weight is not the goal. Getting healthier is not the goal. Making more money is not the goal. These are the things that emerge when a sustainable and balanced life are achieved, but they are not the goals. 

Find the spots in your life that are out of balance, out of alignment, and focus on achieving homeostasis in those areas. Fix your sleep. Give up sweet treats with added sugar. Complete a project you’ve been putting off. Go visit that friend or family member you’ve been threatening to go see. Make yourself a delicious meal, and then do it again, and again. Get rid of something that makes you miserable. Like answering emails between 6 pm and 6 am. End a relationship that only serves the other person, and only brings you a black cloud. 

Find the points of imbalance and slowly, methodically, and intentionally, correct them over time, and eventually your weight, relationships, health, finances, and overall happiness will improve. Anticipate and be ready for setbacks, and don’t let them discourage you. Realize that they are part of the process, that old habits die hard, and new ones take time to develop. Every setback should be acknowledged as progress. It means you’re pushing up against something hard and it’s pushing back. 

It’s not going to give in so easily, but neither are you. You’re moving towards balance, and a life of stability.

Hypocrisy

People are arguing about whether or not people in Gaza are starving. People arguing about this are not starving. People arguing about this have never missed a meal in their lives. People arguing about this are deciding what they’ll have for dinner tonight. Should they go to the store and cook? Should they order take out? Should they go out to eat? What are they in the mood for? Well, last night was Italian, and tomorrow is sushi, so maybe something light tonight like Mediterranean. 

Some people get to decide what they will eat, when they will eat, how much they will eat, who will prepare their food, how they will prepare their food, and they also get to debate whether someone else is “actually” starving or not. They get to weigh in on what qualifies as “starving” versus overreacting, being dramatic, and just being hungry.

And they see that as ok. They miss the hypocrisy. And all around us we see it as normal to be in a position to debate someone else’s well being and livelihood, while our own lives go on unaffected and uninterrupted.

Expectations

Most humans don’t do things they’ve never learned or don’t understand. That is basically the rationale as to why someone does one thing and not the other. One they were taught, and the other one they weren’t. One they understand, and the other they don’t. But we all assume everyone knows what we know, and we assume we were born with the knowledge and insights we have. But we weren’t.

Everyone is born with the same lack of knowledge and understanding, and we learn from our environment. The people, examples, and experiences we grow up with. So it’s crazy to me when someone from one side of the world expects someone on the other side of the world, or someone from the other side of a city, town, or neighborhood even, to know what they know, and understand what they understand.

My fiancee and I have a saying. “You could have been a horse born on Cumberland Island, or you could have been a horse born at the track.” Cumberland Island, where wild horses are protected and praised, is a majestic paradise for horses. The track is like being born in a labor camp. They might be of the same species, but these two horses are going to live drastically different lives, have drastically different experiences, and therefore have very different views of humans, nature, and the world.

No one would look upon these two horses and expect them to act the same, but when it comes to humans we do. We project what we know onto everyone around us, and ridicule and condemn others when they don’t act in accordance to our expectations. Never contemplating the fact that that could of been you and you wouldn’t even know it.

Where would you choose to be born if given the choice? I know my choice. Cumberland Island all damn day.   

Change

I’ve been accused of changing more than once in my life by people who “know me.” But there’s an alternative consideration. That I never was the person everyone knew. That it’s hard as a child to really know who you are and not be influenced by the environment around you. Or even as a young adult, or young professional entering the work force.

More often than not, you’re just going with what you know and what you see around you. Rarely, if ever, stopping to think, “Is this what I actually want to be doing? Is this making me happy? Or is it just familiar?” And even if you do have that moment of question, it can be hard to answer without knowing what the other possibilities are.

I grew up in a house where I was required to go to college. And, while it was never said, it was implied, at least from my perspective, that after college I would get a job, get married, buy a house, and start a family. And while it never felt like the right plan for me, for years I kind of went along with it. It’s embarrassing to admit, but at the time I couldn’t conceive of an alternative plan. I didn’t understand what else was possible, so I followed the one I’d seen play out around me and was comfortable with. But that’s just one example of many.

We fall into this trap with our beliefs too. We grow up thinking we believe something because the people around us believe something. We fall for it with our likes. We like what the people around us like. And dislike what they dislike. We think we’re interested in a sport, art, or certain food, because of something innate in us, when really it’s just something common amongst those around us.

So when we get older and, if were lucky and courageous enough, we take the opportunity to separate ourselves from what’s familiar, like the beliefs, likes, dislikes, and interests that saturate the environment we grew up in, we start to really learn about ourselves, and more often than not all of those things begin to change. From the outsiders perspective they believe you have changed, or someone changed you, or something in your environment is the reason.

But what they don’t understand, because they’ve never experienced it, is that it was in you all along, waiting for something or someone to ignite it.

Perspective

When we moved into our house last year our neighbor came over to see what we had done to the backyard. On the walk back she commented about how much she hated the ground cover that lined the path on the side of our house. She had the same ground cover, but she ripped it up a few years ago because she was gardening one day and found a snake.

“A rattlesnake?” I asked.

Both my neighbor and my fiancee tst tsted me and said, in almost unison, “Of course not!”

Well if it wasn’t a rattlesnake, and therefore not threatening, then why did it leave such an impression, and why even mention it…

It’s a fascinating story to me about perspective. To me, a garden snake is not worth mentioning or even remembering, unless it was in the context of sharing the good news that we have another animal living in our garden. But to someone with a fear of snakes, albeit an irrational one as garden snakes are harmless, it is a tale of caution, and a reason to destroy the snake’s home.

And it is that same irrational fear that the people in charge play on to convince us that our wars, operations, and conflicts are just. Only it’s not snakes were told to be afraid of, it’s certain people and races. And an irrational fear of people is sometimes all a person needs to decimate their lives.

Relationships

I used to think that trust in a relationships meant telling the truth about where you were, what you did, and who you were with. But now I realize that’s just foundational, and the bare minimum you should expect from your partner. Strong relationships are based on trust of a different kind. Trusting that when you’re being foolish, your partner is going to tell you that you’re being foolish, and when you’re trying to be courageous, that your partner will encourage your courageousness. And trust that they’re going to know the difference, and be honest about it when the time comes.

My buddy is thinking about leaving the corporate world. After 15 successful years of building a nest egg, and moving up the corporate ladder, he’s beginning to wonder, “Isn there more to life than this?” and so he’s starting to explore the idea of leaving, and taking a year or two off. We had him over for dinner recently when he told us. He laid it all out, and we helped him weigh the pros and the cons. We asked questions about his biggest fears around leaving, what he might want to do instead. We threw out ideas for resigning, discussed timelines, and gave suggestions based on our own experiences and what we know about him.

Finally after about an hour of discussing it I asked, “What does your wife think you should do?”

I know his wife very well, and I’m very fond of her. She’s a smart, funny, successful, no nonsense woman who deeply loves my friend. And so it dawned on me, who cares what I think, if she believes he should leave, then he should leave. If she believes he shouldn’t, he shouldn’t. Because, lucky for my friend, he’s found the woman that he can trust to tell him when he’s being foolish and encourage him when he’s being courageous.

“She’s all about it,” he replied. “She thinks I should quit, and take time off.” When he said that I told him we had our answer and that he should stop searching. And it was the first time the importance of a partner you could trust was that crystal clear to me.

Concerning

I find it concerning that not everyone is concerned with the president’s use of the word slaughter. As in, “There has already been great death and destruction, but there is still time to make this slaughter, with the next already planned attacks being even more brutal, come to an end. Iran must make a deal, before there is nothing left.” 

The open acknowledgement of what it really is, a slaughter, versus what it is reported to be, targeted defensive strikes, is mind blowing. But even wilder than that is the mild mannered reactions or no reaction at all from mass media and independent journalists. It’s been more of just a regurgitation of what was said, just part of the developing story.

It’s not that he’s first president to support a slaughter, we have a long history of that. In fact, my lifetime has been filled with them, and it’s likely yours has a well. And he won’t be the last. But he might be the first to call it out in real time, AND try to legitimize it as a negotiation tactic.

If you’re from the U.S. you know, or should know, that our history is littered with slaughters, although we don’t call them that. We call them wars, or operations, or conflicts. And we enter these wars, operations, and conflicts because there’s a resource we need like oil, land, labor, fruit, or rare earth minerals. But we don’t say that, we say it’s to fight terror, or free people from oppression, or stop the spread of a dangerous ideology.

Our president’s tell us we’re doing everything right, and we’re doing everything we can to stop what’s happening. And despite knowing what’s happening behind the scenes, the truth of the war, operation, or conflict, we hear those words and it gives us hope that our prayers might actually be answered, and that maybe we’re wrong. We don’t know what’s really going on.

But all hope goes out the window when the guy in charge calls it like it is, a slaughter, and no one flinches. It’s twisted, but maybe it’s what we need as a country to finally wake up. To stop believing all of the lies. To understand that when the president says “I’m doing everything I can to broker a ceasefire,” but despite his seemingly genuine intention the destruction continues, that what he’s actually saying is, “The slaughter will continue until we reach a deal.”

Misconceptions

One of the biggest changes in my life was realizing that things, big projects, don’t have to be done all at once. Not even in one day. I’ve finally figured out that even a backyard project could be pieced out over days. Day 1, measure. Day 2, pick up the lumber and hardware. Day 3, cut. Day 4, assemble and install. It doesn’t have to be done all at once, and it doesn’t have to be done right now.

I’ve lived under those misconceptions for a long time. The idea that something had to be done all at once, right now. And it stopped me from starting many projects because I couldn’t see how to get it done based on those timelines. But things take time, and so it’s ok to take time. Make a plan. Check that it makes sense. Gather who and what you need.

Don’t overcommit to too much in one day. Call it quits when you notice it’s no longer enjoyable (a good rule to live by).

Our lives are filled with small misconceptions about how we should live, that end up dictating our lives, and we don’t even know it. 

Convenience

Everyone is selling convenience. That’s the most valuable commodity around. If you can find a way to make someone’s life easier, then you can sell them anything.

I’ve decided to start feeding my dog real food. I almost slip every time and say human food. As if chicken, beef, rice, sweet potatoes, and vegetables (the main items of his diet now) are only made for us. He’s getting older, he’s 13, and I think real food might expand his horizon and longevity. If it works for me, why wouldn’t it work for him?

The impetus for this decision came as I observed him devouring a frozen beef femur the other night. For hours he laid outside on his blanket with it and sucked everyone ounce of bone marrow and life force he could out of that bone. Watching him gave me the sense that he needed real food. And that’s when my decision was made.

But it made me question why I even give him kibble to begin with. Why do I feed my dog pellets of processed food? What am I actually buying? Because I can buy and cook food for my dog if I want to. So it’s not actually food that I’m buying. It’s not some special formula like they want you to believe. When has fortified processed food every proven to be better for your health than actual food? Never.

I’m really just buying convenience. I’m paying someone else for the convenience of not having to shop, cook, clean, and plan for my dog. I’ve outsourced that responsibility.

The company wins. They get paid. I win. All I have to do is remember to order food, and scoop a few cups of kibble into his bowl each day. The only loser is my dog who’s left to eat what my fiancee calls “food with no life force.”

Looking at it from the view of dog owner to dog, the decision to give my dog processed food seems straight forward. The juice, giving him real food, is not worth the squeeze, shopping, cooking, cleaning, planning. Despite how much we love our animals we can’t deny the fact that we view them as lesser, even if by a tiny margin. Which is why they don’t get all the perks and luxuries new give ourselves. Whether that’s real food, or that big expensive procedure. It’s just easier and understandable not to.

But I wonder if that’s why we, humans in modern civilization, eat so much processed food. Convenience, cost, time, energy, yes. But is that the only reason? Or is it also because we don’t think highly enough of ourselves to warrant taking the time to plan, shop, and cook our meals? Do we think we’re not worth the extra cost, time, and effort? We know the benefits of eating real food, and the consequences of eating processed food, so why is 70 percent of the American diet made up of processed food?

I don’t actually know if that’s the case or not, clearly. And I know that for many people in this world that it is way more complicated than I’ve made it seem. But for many of us, it’s probably not that complicated, and we could feed ourselves better with very little impact to our lives, and I’m fascinated by why we don’t.

Hiking Half Dome at Yosemite

What are you carrying and not using? What are you carrying that you don’t need?

This past week I was hiking Half Dome in Yosemite National Park with my fiancée and three friends. Half Dome is a 17 mile round trip hike on a mix of paved trail, granite steps, sand, rock, and dirt. The trail ascends for 8 - 8.5 miles, gaining 5,500 feet of elevation, until reaching the top of Half Dome, which requires pulling yourself up chains attached to an almost vertical wall for the last few hundred feet of the hike. It then descends 8 - 8.5 miles back to the trailhead. You can count on it taking 10 - 12 hours, depending on fitness level and number of rest stops, to complete.

In addition to Half Dome’s challenging profile, there’s only two places to fill up water, at the trailhead and a few miles in sourced from a river, and nowhere to get food (naturally). Which means if you want to have an enjoyable day you’ll need to carry a couple thousand calories and a few liters of water. It’s also why hiking poles are recommended, and why we we all packed ours, checking a bag for a weekend trip just to do so.

Nevertheless, we all started the day with our hiking poles strapped to our backpacks as we began to climb the first 3 miles and 2,500 feet of the hike. Less than a mile in I thought about using mine, but something in me kept resisting. The trail was steep, and I knew I was in for a long day, but I thought I shouldn’t use them so early on, that it was better to fight through without them, and only use them if I needed them. Maybe just to descend.

But my brain wouldn’t relent. Over and over in my head it went, “Just pull them off your pack. What did you bring them for?” So, at the end of our first break, after gaining close to 1,400 feet, I gave in and pulled them off my bag, snapped them into place, and carried them in my left hand like a grocery bag. I went from carrying them on my back, to in my hand. Progress. Getting closer. But still not using them.

I looked around to my fiancée and my friends, none of whom had pulled off their poles yet, and again it went, “Why did we bring hiking poles if we weren’t going to use them?” It was a very real question I kept wondering about. What was the rationale we were telling ourselves to not use the poles we traveled with to help us hike? I actually paid $40 to check my backpack that I could have otherwise carried on. Said another way, I believed it was worth $40 to have my poles, which, for a frugal man, was not a decision I made lightly, and one that would have went another way in a prior time of my life. I had made an investment in my poles, and now when it was time to cash in I was treating my asset like an insurance policy.

Why were we so unwilling to use them?  

There was the idea that using them created an image of weakness. That I couldn’t keep up without them. The belief that if I didn’t use them, I’d be stronger in the end having survived without their help. That I would suffer on the way up, but reap the benefits in the days that followed. There was the group think of, “No one else is using them, so maybe I don’t need them?” That only in the case of an emergency should they be deployed. All of these reasons, and more, swirling around my head, convincing me not to use them, even though they were always part of my plan.

As often happens, I then started to wonder where else in my life this was happening. Where else was I turning down help because I thought it might make me look weak, and because doing it alone would make me stronger? Or because no one else was looking for help, which meant I didn’t need any either. Where else could I be making my life easier, but I’m making the decision not to? What am I carrying around that I’m not utilizing? And, conversely, what am I carrying that I could get rid of? 

What’s in my backpack that I didn’t need to bring but packed anyway because it gave me comfort, but no utility? What’s in my backpack that I’ve been procrastinating removing? On a typical hike I pack double the amount of food I need, to make sure that I never get hungry. As if hunger equals death. I pack gear I know I’m not going to use. I offer to carry other peoples comfort items so that they have a good time. Why carry around things I don’t need, when a lighter pack would be easier, allow me to reach the top quicker, with more energy, and have more time with the views?

A backpack on a long hike is the perfect metaphor for visualizing the baggage we carry around in life. Bad relationships. Excess bodyweight. Stress. Unrealistic expectations. Bad habits. Self abuse. Grudges, anger, and hate towards others. Self-limiting beliefs. Everything we emotionally, physically, and spiritually carry around with us, packed into a “backpack” that we lug around. Dragging us down, making life harder, and providing no help in getting to the top.

All around us, and with-in us, we have access to tools, skills, knowledge, and relationships, that we don’t take advantage of. And on our backs is a bag full of people, beliefs, habits, feelings, and emotions, that we never confront despite knowing that they don’t serve us, and carry around anyway. What could you be taking advantage of that you’re not? And what could you unpack for an easier life?

Finally I took one pole in each hand, planted them into the ground, and carried on to the top of Half Dome. 

Trips Details:

We flew into Fresno Yosemite International Airport on Tuesday evening, and drove one hour to Oakhurst to spend the night at The Inelle. Fresno Airport is two hours south of Yosemite, and Oakhurst is right in the middle on your way to Yosemite. Making it a good place to spend a night or two if you want.

Wednesday we spent the morning exploring Oakhurst. We had a really nice breakfast at Bees Cafe (I recommend), and coffee at Clouds Rest Coffee (also recommend). Oakhurst has a couple of big grocery stores, and so we shopped for food to have in our cabin the next two nights. 

We stayed at The Explorers Cabin, part of the Yosemite cabin rentals. It’s just outside the park, about a 35 minute drive to the parking lot where you’ll park and begin your walk to the trailhead for Half Dome.

Thursday morning we were up at 4 am, out the door by 5:15 am, parked by a quarter to 6, and at the trailhead by 6 am. The walk from the parking lot to the trailhead is about 3/4 of a mile. 

With stops every 90 minutes or so, plus a 30 minute lunch at the top of Half Dome, we made it up and back to our car in ~10.5 hours. On the way up we took the Mist Trail which takes you along the side of a couple of beautiful waterfalls where you will get pretty wet (hence the name). On the way back we planned on taking the John Muir Trail, but when we saw that it added 1.5 miles to the journey, everyone in our group voted to go down the same way we came, the Mist Trail.

However, we did take the John Muir trail for about a half mile to a natural pool made by a waterfall. At the pool we took off our shoes, some took off their clothes, and jumped into the cold water. It was a really refreshing way to end a long hot day. Even if you’re going to take the Mist Trail down, I do suggest taking the Muir Trail, definitely stop for the pool.

Main blogs/resources we referenced:

• Half Dome Gear Guide

• Weather Guide

• Thorough and Detailed Blog

All Trails Map:

• Half Dome via The John Muir Trail (this is via John Muir, but you can see the Mist Trail and use it to navigate either way).

Permit:

• Note: YOU WILL NEED A PERMIT TO GO TO THE TOP OF HALF DOME. ENTER THE LOTTERY HERE: Half Dome Day Hike